‘And, just as I grabbed Mary Kate’s hand to make a run for it, we looked up,’ I said. ‘Everyone else on our team was gone.’

‘It was just me and Alex … face to face with one of the Rowers.’

‘Who?’ Pat asked.

‘These terrifying crew chicks in our dorm,’ I said. ‘They’re insanely ginormous. Think offspring of Boudicca and that tree monster from Guardians of the Galaxy.’

‘And she was holding a dodgeball,’ Mary Kate continued.

‘Which looked like a grapefruit in her hand,’ I added. ‘But I knew I had to protect Mary Kate. She was so tiny and scared!’ I reached over and pinched her cheek.

‘Yup, Alex stepped up to the line,’ Mary Kate said. ‘And, when the Rower threw the ball, she caught it!’

My room-mate looked at me proudly and reached over to pat my shoulder.

I nodded solemnly. ‘Right between my boobs.’

Pat, who was lounging with his legs stretched out in the grass, whistled in admiration. ‘Maybe your boobs should get in on this football game then.’

‘Oh hell, no,’ I said, lighting a clove. ‘This hit my exercise quota for the month.’ I looked at Mary Kate and said, ‘I’ll be on the sideline cheering you on – but you’re on your own, Cupcake Pants.’

The Saturday of Mary Kate’s flag football debut was rainy and cold. I was huddled on the sideline, shivering in my pleather jacket. But Mary Kate, thanks to three more football lessons from Pat, was in full game mode. Having decided that her cupcake-print pajamas might not be the most intimidating, she was dressed in a grey varsity sweatsuit she’d borrowed, and I had braided her two braids together into a single MegaBraid that was way more Khaleesi and way less Laura Ingalls Wilder. The red football flags dangling from her waist seemed to give her a bit of swagger.

The other Bonecrushers were out on the field doing a light warm-up – you know, stretching, sprinting, cracking people’s skulls open. The usual. As my room-mate jogged in place, Pat, still in his fleece and basketball shorts despite the damp wind, gave me advice about how to support her.

‘Winning is all about that killer drive,’ he said. ‘You need to get Mary Kate in the right frame of mind. We need her pumped up. We need her angry. You told me she threw a killer spiral that day on the quad; that was because she was pissed off. So let’s piss her off again.’

‘Look at this weather, Mary Kate,’ I said. ‘It sucks. It’s cold and it’s rainy and it sucks. Fuck Minnesota! And it’s only gonna get worse. Snow is coming, and frostbite, and those icy-ass temperatures that freeze your nose hairs …’

Mary Kate was just nodding. I had to get more personal.

‘Ooh, what about Caleb?’ I said. ‘He chose Jesus over you! And now Jesus is smugly hanging in every classroom on this campus, flaunting his abs and rubbing it in!’