A shiver shot through me, from my lady fauxhawk down to the heels of my motorcycle boots, and suddenly I could feel all the flushed heat of that trapped breath and sweat and sex. Ugh, come on, ovaries! I groaned inwardly. Don’t get it up for a jock!

Suddenly – speaking of horny people – we were interrupted by the giddy whirlwind in ballet flats that was my room-mate.

‘ALEX! ALEX!’

Mary Kate pushed her way through a clingy, moist couple on the dance floor who were not leaving room for the Holy Spirit. Her face was glowing with excitement – okay, and sweat – and there was one perfect curl draped over her shoulder that she’d been twirling obsessively while talking to Theology John. Her Flirting Curl.

‘Guess what?’ she bubbled. ‘Theology John asked me to take a walk. What do you think that means?’

‘Mary Kate, I’m not going over this again. Why do you think I bought you that Birds and the Bees picture book?’

‘He’s waiting for me by the snack table,’ she gushed, staring at him, starry-eyed. ‘Doesn’t he look sooo cute?’

‘Oh yeah. Sexy ankles.’

Then she turned back to me urgently for confirmation. ‘So he definitely wants to make out, right?’ She blew air into my face. ‘How’s my breath?’

‘Good from over here,’ Pat chimed in, and Mary Kate, embarrassed, clapped a hand over her mouth.

‘Oh my gosh! I didn’t see you!’ she said, but was still all in a tizzy and turned back to me. ‘But I’m scared we’re gonna get in trouble.’ She glanced back at the chaperone wall nervously. ‘Do you think any of the nuns will notice that we’re leaving so close together?’

‘I think they have bigger fish to fry,’ I told her.

On the dance floor, a senior guy had just ripped open his shirt so violently that a button flew off and hit a girl in the eye. It was kind of like a scene from The Hulk, if the Hulk had a pasty, concave chest with three hairs on it. The kid was clearly drunk – and Sister Hellda had spotted him.

As Sister Hellda dragged Pasty Hulk off the dance floor, presumably for an exorcism, Mary Kate saw her chance. Here was her shining moment for love, for romance, for clumsy Catholic over-the-shirt and in-the-vicinity-of-the-khakis fondling! In a magical daze, like Cinderella, all sparkly-eyed from whatever fairy dust those sweatshop mice had sprinkled on her, Mary Kate began to make her way over to Theology John …

Then the cafeteria blew a fuse.

The lights went out. The music shut off. A loud cheer went up, everyone shouting and whistling in the dark. There’s nothing St Mary’s kids love more than a blackout.