‘The Stars and Stripes Forever’ was blaring at us, full volume, only fifty feet away now. But gamely I turned to face the approaching onslaught full-on, and gestured for the others to do the same.

‘I BET YOU’RE WORRIED!’ I screamed. Turning around, I glared at S&S, who were huddled together, staring at the marching band, mesmerized. Robbie Schmidt was hiding behind them, his fingers jammed in his ears. He had dropped his copy of the Monologues in the grass. Only Claudia, thrusting forward her red chest proudly, joined in:

‘WE WERE WORRIED. WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS …’

The band was enormous – it seemed to be multiplying, like some kind of clone army instantaneously duplicating row upon row of green soldiers in tasseled hats and shiny shoes. A dozen flutes, a whole row of thundering bass drums, a brass phalanx of tubas and trombones. Thirty feet away, twenty feet away …

‘They’re not stopping!’ S1 called out in alarm. Robbie Schmidt bolted, a streak of red across the quad, and Sarah and Sophia scurried after him. Claudia broke away from me and started twirling and pirouetting in front of the marching band, making wide sweeping gestures with her arms, still holding the Monologues. Her interpretive dance version of the play probably. Or just an excuse to show off her belly-button piercing.

But me? I was still standing. I would not be silenced.

‘WE WERE WORRIED WHAT WE THINK ABOUT VAGINAS!’ I declared. ‘AND EVEN MORE WORRIED THAT WE DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!’

Fifteen feet away … louder, bigger, brighter, the deafening blast was right in my face now.

‘MOVE, ALEX!’ Mary Kate shouted hoarsely to me. She had scurried to safety on the side of the quad with the others, but she was still filming as she pleaded with me.

‘You’re gonna get crushed in the stampede, Alex! HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE LION KING? THIS IS HOW MUFASA DIED!’

I ignored her. Hold your ground, Heck, I told myself, planting my feet in determination, tightening every muscle in my body. You are a badass bitch with righteous principles, like that suffragette who threw herself in front of the king’s horse. HOLD YOUR GROUND!

The band brought ‘The Stars and Stripes Forever’ to a crashing, thunderous finale – I could still hear Mary Kate, sounding very far away, calling out to me – but the band was not slowing down – they transitioned into the infamous St Mary’s fight song – those dreaded first notes rang out – dum-DUM-dah-dah – I was standing my ground, standing my ground – I closed my eyes and thrust my book in the air and shouted one last hoarse cry right into the bell of a giant tuba, ‘THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES FOREVER!’ – but the marching band and the music swallowed me and my battle-cry whole.