‘I mean, I did,’ I continued. ‘But not everyone does. Look at my room-mate!’ I yanked Mary Kate away from the Model UN table by one of her long braids and put her on display. ‘She looks like Laura Ingalls Wilder! And she’s vice-president of the Feminist Club!’

‘I don’t support this, though.’ Mary Kate pointed to the sign.

Next to us, the Save Your Heart booth was mobbed. Katie Casey was chattering about Save Your Heart’s activities for the year: ‘We’re going on a retreat with the amazing Father Dan, we’re doing a bake sale to raise money for the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Minneapolis, we’re playing minigolf … Our first meeting is this Wednesday – and we’ll have snacks!’

The little freshmen in the front row were all whispering, ‘Let’s join!’ ‘That sounds sooo fun!’

Glaring at them, I grumbled to Mary Kate, ‘I swear, the lemmings on this campus would take part in a witch-burning if there was pizza afterwards.’

‘She was smart,’ Mary Kate said. ‘We should have thought of cupcakes.’

‘We don’t need cupcakes! We have freedom of expression and the First Amendment on our side!’

‘Well, she’s on her second sign-up sheet already – or is it her third?’ Mary Kate squinted. ‘And our sheet is practically empty.’

‘It’s not empty! There’s my signature … your signature … Katie Casey’s signature …’ I mumbled over that one. ‘And those two sophomore guys! Remember? Seymour …’ I read the names more carefully and dropped the clipboard on the table with a disappointed clank. ‘Seymour Butts and Anus McFarty.’

Mary Kate gave me a smug look.

I grabbed her green pen and set to work trying to transform Seymour Butts and Anus McFarty into legitimate signatures.

‘It’s definitely her third sign-up sheet,’ Mary Kate reported. ‘And it’s almost full …’ She craned her neck to look past all the people, and then suddenly squeaked, ‘Oh my gosh! Look who it is!’

‘Another virgin?’ I suggested sarcastically.

And … I was right. But not just any virgin. The current virgin of the month on Mary Kate’s Virgin Cuties Calendar. It was Caleb, old Jesus Sandals himself. He was gliding towards us across the quad, hovering flawlessly an inch above the green grass.

I’m kidding. He was walking like a normal human being, except for those fucking sandals.

When he got to the Save Your Heart table, he maneuvered himself around the crowd and gave Katie Casey a big hug.

‘Of course they’re friends,’ I groaned.

‘He’s coming over here!’ Mary Kate hissed.

Caleb had spotted us. Maybe it was the radioactive glow of Mary Kate’s ovaries, beckoning him like some kind of boy-crazy bat signal.

‘Hey, Mary Kate! Hey, Alex!’

‘Hi!’ Mary Kate was breathless with excitement. ‘How’s it going, Caleb? Did you just get here?’