‘And oh my gosh!’ she shrieked right in my ear. ‘I forgot to tell you the best part! There’s the CUTEST guy in theology. His name is John, and we’re going to be sitting next to each other all semester – it’s totally fate. Well, technically, it’s alphabetical order, but alphabetical order is part of fate, right?’

After going over her syllabuses, teachers and potential boyfriends for every class, Mary Kate finally turned to me and asked, ‘So how was your day?’

I summed it up in one word: ‘Sucked.’

First, I’d overslept, having snoozed my phone alarm four times after Mary Kate left – which meant walking around all day with Einstein-level frizzy hair, a black bra under my white shirt and two different-colored knee socks while trying to sneakily sniff-test my armpits because I couldn’t remember if I’d put on deodorant. Then there was the fact that I had to take physics again, and Father O’Brien was the same vector-obsessed phallus as last year.

‘And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I walked into remedial algebra and an entire row of hockey Neanderthals called me the Tampon Terror,’ I said. ‘Man, I really need to study so I can stop being in classes with dudes from that documentary about jock brain damage.’

Mary Kate had stopped short as soon as I uttered the word tampon, and now she looked like a deflating birthday balloon.

‘Don’t worry,’ I reassured her. ‘I’m sure they’ll forget it in two seconds. Brain damage, remember? Plus, the whole tampon thing gave me an awesome idea for our meeting today.’

‘Oh right.’ She deflated further. ‘The meeting.’

‘You didn’t forget, did you?’

‘No,’ she said begrudgingly.

‘Good. Because I have a BIG idea that is gonna rock everyone’s world.’

‘Please,’ she pleaded with me. ‘It’s the First Day of School, my favorite day – I have a tiny purple stapler filled with tiny purple staples. Please don’t do anything to ruin it. You won’t, right?’

‘Hello, St Mary’s Feminist Club!’ I boomed. ‘Welcome back!’

The St Mary’s Feminist Club was founded almost two years ago by – me. Surprised? I don’t seem like an extracurriculars girl, I know. But, as soon as I arrived at St Mary’s, I realized what was lacking on campus and took bold action: I founded the Student Alliance for Diversity, Inclusion, Sensitivity and Tolerance.

That club existed for exactly three weeks – which is how long it took our school administration to realize it spelled SADIST.