Then, as she skipped out the door, she called, ‘Don’t wait up!’ But, just before it closed, she stuck her nose back in and said, ‘Actually, do wait up because I want to tell you everything.’

Then the door shut and opened a final time, and she added, ‘Not that you’d be asleep before eleven p.m. anyway.’

‘Go, go!’ I told her, waving her away.

It was Saturday night, I had the room to myself and I was doing homework. I know, I know. Who the hell am I these days? But all week I’d been in rehearsals for The Non-Vagina Monologues. The haunted theater had been bustling with live people for once, and I had been running around, yelling at Claudia when she ‘improvised’ new lines for her monologue, comforting freshmen with stage fright, and corralling everyone backstage and pushing them out into the bright stage spotlights. It had been chaos.

For weeks now, I had been handling my homework with a combination of feigned migraines and plagiarism, and it had caught up with me. I had forty-two geometry problems to do.

Luckily, I also had a Le Tigre album and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. But I had only finished twenty geometry problems – okay, and the entire bag of Cheetos – when my phone buzzed on my desk and I saw a text from Mary Kate that made me grab a hoodie and dash through the hallway without even bothering to close the door behind me.

Outside. Now.

Out on the quad, I squinted into the darkness for any sign of her. The campus was quiet and still under the full moon. Then I saw a lone figure hurrying along towards the Memorial Fountain.

The Memorial Fountain was built to honor St Mary’s students who’d died in the Korean War. After we won the 1989 National Hockey Championship, all the students streaked Academic Quad and jumped, hooting and hollering, into the fountain. A picture of the ecstatic crowd in streaky green body paint splashing each other hangs in the student center. And my dad is in it, too (thankfully in his hockey jersey).

Jumping into the fountain became tradition. Every hockey win is followed by a wild orgy of water, green body paint and probably cum and who knows what else. Thanks for your service, Korean War vets.

Tonight, though, the fountain was quiet. Mary Kate crossed the quad towards it, stepped up onto the edge and then – without removing a single item of clothing – stepped into it and submerged herself fully.

‘Mary Kate!’ I shrieked, and raced over at lightning speed.

At the fountain, breathless, I clambered up the marble side, grabbed my room-mate under the arms and hauled her out. Shocked at being grabbed suddenly, she struggled, swatting at me as I sat her on the side of the fountain.

‘Mary Kate!’ I shouted. ‘Don’t DROWN yourself!’