Something in those simple words struck him. Yes, that was the real answer. Yaakov nodded. “But I also want to keep learning. I have to.”

“Of course! The Torah you learn will remind you that every small, ordinary thing you do is also for His sake.” He took Yaakov’s hand and pressed it. “Know Him in all your ways.”

Yaakov looked into the old man’s eyes. No, it wasn’t a mistake, all those years I spent learning, he thought, remembering those glorious moments in time when he felt he had succeeded in looking at his life and the world through the eyes of God. I would not be Yaakov Lehman without that investment of time and effort but someone else, someone lesser, in my own eyes.

“Thank you so much, Rav. I can’t tell you how you’ve helped me. May HaShem bless you and your family. Please forgive me for stealing from your private time. It won’t happen again.”

“Yaakov, my dear son, if you need me, come to me. It is always a joy to see you.”

They embraced, then parted.

If only he could speak to the rav every day, he thought as he hurried home through the dark streets; get such encouragement every day as in his yeshiva days, when all he needed to do was go up one flight and stand outside his door!

But what he had done tonight couldn’t happen very often, however generous the rav had been to make him feel otherwise. He suddenly felt as bereft as a child whose mother had dropped him off at a strange new boarding school. He would have to learn to manage on his own.

As he walked home through the dark streets toward the family and home he loved, he prayed that his years of learning had given him the wisdom to bring with him through his front door the kind of answers that would bless them all. The alternative was unthinkable.

18

A FAMILY IN TURMOIL

“Yaakov,” Leah said, opening the door with an uncertain half smile on her face. She was happy to see him; she couldn’t help that, but also filled with a certain dread of what was going to happen now. So much had been left unsaid after the bombshell of Shaindele’s revelations. Aside from the harsh restrictions now in place, they had failed to be honest with each other about how they were going to get through this together, as man and wife, parents, lovers.

“My Leah-le,” he said with something of the old affection of their courting days.

A huge wave of relief coursed through her. Her eyes brightened as she brought her hand to his shoulder, lightly touching his coat. “You are so late. I was worried.”