Paloma says we need the photographic evidence to show that things are business as usual in the Fields-Bellinger family, that we are close-knit, happy. Celebrities: they’re just like us.

The only place I’d like to go is the Reading and Resource Center to see Cesar. We are well into Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and I miss hearing about his day—who he played with at recess, whether he got his name written on the board for talking without raising his hand. But I realize going there would be selfish for a variety of reasons, not least of which I’d be using my friend for reputation rehabilitation. More importantly, the last thing Cesar or his mom needs is media sniffing around them. I did text Rita, though, to let her know I wouldn’t be back for a while, and to pass along my new number in case Cesar needs anything in the meantime.

I wrote Tell him I miss and love him and I’m so sorry and I’ll be back soon.

I haven’t heard back from her, and I wonder if Rita has decided, without telling me, that I’m no longer welcome there. I decide that’s another rejection I would not survive. I am Cesar’s backup, no matter what. Rita cannot—will not—banish me.

I imagine walking out the front door of my house into the bright sunlight. I imagine facing the paparazzi who are still, a whole week later, camped outside, cameras aimed liked the FBI’s guns.

I don’t think I can stomach it.

My new phone buzzes, but it provides no escape.

There’s a text from my lawyer: I’ll be there by nine. It’s important. Prepare yourself for news.

The coffee that mere minutes ago felt like a lifeline does a quick crawl up the back of my throat.

I reach for the Xanax.

“Don’t even think about it,” my dad says, and slips the bottle into his pocket.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Then

Levi and I lie on the picnic blanket he keeps in his trunk. Of all the details I’ve gathered about him over the years, that may be the one that’s most surprising to me: He’s ever-ready for a pop-up picnic.

“What did you write your college essay about?” I ask. My head rests on his stomach, and my laptop sits on my knees. He’s reading Crime and Punishment and has a pink highlighter tucked behind his ear. I scroll through the common application essay prompts: Discuss something that inspires you….Tell us about a challenge you’ve overcome….Elaborate on some of your interests outside of school.

Levi inspires me. It’s challenging to negotiate with Levi out of the friend zone. My biggest interest outside of school is kissing Levi, because kissing Levi is, to borrow an SAT word, transcendent.