BooksBarbecue
Back A Train to Moscow: A Novel Save as PDF
Chapters (59)
  1. TITLE PAGE
  2. COPYRIGHT PAGE
  3. DEDICATION
  4. CONTENTS
  5. ACT 1 IVANOVO
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. ACT 2 MOSCOW
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. ACT 3 LENINGRAD
  35. 28
  36. 29
  37. 30
  38. 31
  39. 32
  40. 33
  41. 34
  42. 35
  43. 36
  44. 37
  45. ACT 4 IVANOVO-LENINGRAD
  46. 38
  47. 39
  48. 40
  49. 41
  50. 42
  51. 43
  52. 44
  53. 45
  54. 46
  55. 47
  56. 48
  57. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  58. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

What should she tell him? What can she tell Mama’s brother, whose story she knows as well as her own, her uncle who she always wished had been her father, a man who has been dead for as long as she has been alive and whose voice is now as close as if he were across the street, speaking to her from what can only be another life? “I’m an actress,” she says, wiping her nose with Andrei’s handkerchief. “I’m all grown-up.”

There is more crackling, but she is able to make out his words through the static. “I feel like I abandoned all of you,” says Kolya, a phrase that Sasha has often repeated in her mind, a thought that has woken her up at night. I feel like I abandoned all of you is what she often mumbles into the darkness at three or four in the morning. Mama and Grandma, Marik and Andrei and every soul in Ivanovo and Moscow who wished her well. This is the moment, with Kolya’s guilt only a centimeter away from her own heart, when she knows what she should tell him. She swallows to steady her voice.

“Grandma never gave up hope that she would see you,” she says. “To the end of her life, with every creak of the gate, she waited for you to return. Mama brought your war journal to Leningrad when she moved in with me. Your paintings still cover the walls of our Ivanovo house. You have been with us every minute of our lives. We’ve never forgotten you,” she says, and the more she tries to resist crying, the stronger the pressure pulses behind her eyes, the more her mouth trembles uncontrollably. She sees Mama perched on a stool in Leningrad, telling the story of the demented soldier who brought Kolya’s war journal. She sees Grandma on the porch, her body leaning toward the gate she has just heard creaking open, her blue cotton dress as soft as her skin. She sees Nadia on the Palace Bridge, her face fallen, as if she has already glimpsed the future, looking down into the river at the yellow hat blown off by the wind. The three women who loved him, all gone. Sasha sees all this and weeps, and she can hear, through the static, that Kolya, all the way on the other side of the world, is weeping, too.

43

43

Sasha hangs up and stares at the gleaming phone that has just miraculously given her Kolya. Would Grandma and Mama still be here had Grandpa not hidden Kolya’s letter away from them? Would they have died in peace knowing that Kolya was still alive?