“No, no; I can’t tell what you’re thinking, or if you want me here. I don’t want to push you.” I sat down and took her hand.

“I’m sorry, Jack.” She rubbed her eyes with her free hand and shook her head. “This past month, with all that’s gone on … I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents and feeling horribly, horribly guilty. And mad. And abandoned. It’s stupid, really, because I’m the one who left Chicago and shunned what few attempts at contact my dad made over the years, and it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have, but they shouldn’t have divorced, either, and … ” Her voice trailed off, and she blushed, then shook her head, looking embarrassed. “Listen to me, I’m totally babbling, this is ridiculous.”

She stood abruptly and ran her hands through her hair, looking helpless. Feeling very much the clumsy, bumbling guy, I stood and pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. She started to cry into my shoulder, and I found myself thanking God for her and asking Him to tell me what to do to help her. I’d never spontaneously prayed like that before, and my thoughts turned from Grace to God, and I was once again amazed at what had transpired in the last year. I was astounded by the way He worked, and the hunger I’d experienced after Big Bear—the emotional and spiritual mountaintop I’d been on—began to awaken again, thanks to this woman He’d led me to know. I held her tighter, kissed her hair, and, for the first time, prayed for her.

GRACE

I COULDN’T SLEEP.

I tossed and rolled and sighed and counted sheep and breaths and heartbeats and finally, at 2:47 a.m., gave up and turned on the light. I propped myself up on pillows and tried to read, but my mind kept wandering, and I couldn’t keep my place.

Jack had touched a nerve, and I hadn’t been prepared for the reaction it had triggered. My subconscious had been wreaking havoc lately, haunting me with dreams of my parents and nightmares with shapeless terrors that left me feeling panicked and exhausted in the morning. I hadn’t been prepared for the way Jack’s conversion would alter our relationship. Everything should have been great, except now there were nameless fears holding me back from him, from opening up to him and allowing him into these dark places that were forming in my mind.

And then he’d asked about my parents.