“I know, but … ” I didn’t know what else to say. I’d said it all to my therapist, to Todd, to myself, and I was tired of voicing my thousands of fears and worries about being able to take care of anyone, ever. “Now the new baby will have her birthday, and that’s one more thing about her I’ll never be able to forget.”

She chuckled. “Honey, due dates are hardly set in concrete. The twins were a week early; who knows when this one will come. They’re not that dependable, trust me. Could be June ninth, could be the fourth, who knows?” She gave me a motherly squeeze. “But even if it is the seventh, you can see it as a new chance to take care of someone. You can be the cool uncle that he or she can always talk to and who always sends the best presents, and after a while the memories of that child’s birthdays will replace the memories of Dianne’s. Just give it time.”

I squeezed her back and took a deep breath, trying to repack all the emotion into the box I stored it in.

She patted my back. “I’m freezing, let’s go in.”

I nodded and followed her into the warmth of the house. I was relieved that she understood about Dianne, and that she wasn’t angry. It was strange to be this old and still worried about how my parents would react to what I did. I wondered how much more of the Hollywood gossip she’d gotten wind of. If she, or anyone else for that matter, knew about my breakdown, no one was saying anything, and I was glad.

Inside the house people were starting to drift and disperse. The kids were downstairs, the women in the kitchen, the men in the living room. Uncle Paul held out a cigar and invited me to join their conversation. I sat down on the arm of the couch and puffed cautiously, listening as they discussed business. They were all in business of one stripe or another, and listening to them talk about financial worries, board troubles, and the need to soothe the company president was like listening to a foreign language. I let myself blend into the background, observing this alien activity, until the conversation veered around to hobbies and pastimes and finally movies, when I felt a part of things again.

After a while the women started reappearing and dropping hints that they were ready to turn in. The kids were summoned from the basement and coats were retrieved from the guest bedroom.

“Will you be here tomorrow?” one of the twins asked. I’d already forgotten which was who.

“Absolutely. Will you be here?” I tickled her and she squirmed and laughed. I couldn’t believe these two gorgeous girls came from my little sister. It was trippy.