I continued to campaign for AIDS research and safe-sex education, but I cut down on a lot of the publicity work. I didn’t exactly become a recluse; I was just tired of being with people and dealing with people and talking to people. I wanted to be alone for a while.

I spent a year like this, seeing my therapist three times a week, reading and working out and doing the occasional Hollywood shindig. I steered clear of all-out parties, because I was afraid the temptation of alcohol and marijuana (or any other drug, for that matter) would either wear me down or throw me into a self-righteous fit about the evils of mixing chemicals with the dysfunctional life of the average actor.

That summer I received a script from Franklin Young, a director I’d worked with before. He offered me my first-ever lead role. I read the script twice in a weekend and loved it. It was a drama, which I didn’t usually go for; I fancied myself more an action/thriller kind of guy. But this part was intense, and the writing was incredible. My character, a young, homeless, ex-military guy in New Mexico, saves a kidnapped Navajo woman from her abductors and offers to accompany her back to her reservation in Arizona. In hindsight, the chance to play a hero is most likely what drew me to the part, to make up for not being one in real life.

My confidence was pretty low at the time, so I waited a couple weeks to respond while psyching myself up for the job, and read the script over and over during those weeks to the point where I was already starting to learn my lines. Finally I called Franklin and accepted, and then found out the best part: shooting would be out in the desert, far from Hollywood and Los Angeles and the constant reminders of Dianne.

I was grateful we were shooting in the winter; the desert wasn’t much fun in the middle of July. My costar, B.J., was a beautiful Navajo woman who had never done a movie before but was a natural. She was in awe of the whole process, and we spent a lot of time together when we weren’t filming, talking about what life was like for a full-time actor. She drew me in with her innocence and simple views of life, and while I wasn’t attracted to her in a dating kind of way, I enjoyed being with her and seeing filmmaking through her eyes.

Rehearsals started on the set in December, and we worked until two days before Christmas. B.J. was sitting in my trailer keeping me company while I was packing to leave for the week we had off. “What will you be doing for the holidays?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Don’t know, actually. Probably just hang out at my place, relax a bit.”