Even after I’d finished the book and we’d exhausted all the topics in it, Grace and I still talked every evening, sometimes about God and the rest of the time about whatever it is people usually talk about when they’re in love. I wasn’t working on anything, and I’d begun thinking about taking a break for a while. I was tired of shooting, and with things moving the way they were with Grace, I wanted to free myself up to be with her more. We’d talked long and hard in the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and after praying about it—the first thing I ever prayed about specifically—we both felt like dating was a possibility. I officially asked her out on New Year’s Day, and even though we’d been together such a short time, in my heart I knew it was only a matter of time before I got up the courage to propose. She had six months left of school, and then, if I wasn’t working, we’d have the summer free. The possibility of spending more than just weekends together and evenings on the phone was exciting to both of us.

As the weeks wore on, I felt myself losing that shiny new feeling. It wasn’t pretty. I felt sluggish, but not physically. Almost depressed, but not quite. All the crap that existed in the world before my Big Bear experience was still there, and my trust in God was already fraying a bit at the edge. One of Grace’s students lost her mother to cancer. One of the people on staff at the church was in a car accident and possibly paralyzed for life. An armed robbery six blocks from my apartment ended with the death of a liquor store owner and left a wife and three kids. The world disgusted me now. It sucked before, but for some reason it sucked more now. I felt a desperation for people that I hadn’t felt before, a longing to tell them what I knew about God. But who was I going to tell?

Kate was still a bit wary of my beliefs—and of me, in a way—and I tried not to make her more uncomfortable by bringing up God or church, or even Grace. We’d always had a good working relationship, but now things were strained. Todd had stopped making any effort to hang out with me, although he always accepted whenever I made the first move. Sean didn’t seem to care either way, but his apathy was almost as frustrating as Kate’s and Todd’s obvious discomfort. I hadn’t brought it up with my family yet, and based on the reactions of the people I worked with, I was nervous about how they would react.