The distraction had the desired effect and everyone giggled, derailing the conversation. Even Heather looked suitably impressed. I mouthed, “Are you OK?” and she gave a thumbs-up. As suspected, the group were too inebriated to take her digs in, all of them focusing on the almost finished rows of rocky powder. I was still pissed at Jessica. This was the sort of behavior that had made me wary about having her back in my life. But my outrage was dwarfed by a stronger feeling—a pull to the powder. Cocaine. Shit. I hadn’t taken it in forever. Not since I started university. Not since I was friends with Jessica...

Frederick started asking people if they’d watched the latest David Attenborough about deforestation, and the conversation moved away from the coke to them all agreeing how important the rain forest is. Heather started urgently whispering to Katie. I heard, “Oh, because cocaine production has nothing to do with ruining the rainforest either.” I tuned her out and leaned into Ben, our hands still interlaced. “Are you all right?” I asked. “Jessica... I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine. It’s quite funny really.”

“I mean, it’s your colleagues.”

“I know they take drugs. They’re often slipping off to the loos on a Friday night. It’s London,” he told me. “They find it more surprising that I don’t.”

“Do you want to tonight?”

He tilted his head and grinned. “I dunno. Do you?”

His eyes were bright, betraying his excitement. We’d spoken about our pasts before, on lazy Friday nights when we were both too exhausted to do anything but get into bed at 9:00 p.m. and share stories about what we used to be like. He knew that I’d been in with a druggy lot at college, but then pulled my shit together at uni. Whereas he said uni was when he got into drugs. Pills mainly. Took them about a dozen times a year—at clubs and music festivals. It was hard to imagine one another like that. We’d met as grown adults. Our wilder sides tucked away in bits of history I thought were unknowable, until...

I turned back to Heather, whose nose was wrinkled, preparing myself for her judgment when I next saw her. She would rinse me later relentlessly. When I was around Heather, I felt strong, stable, knowledgeable, and right...but tonight, laughing with Jessica, remembering the careless fun we used to have I felt...fun, young, engaging.

I leaned over and kissed Ben’s neck.

“Jessica?” I said, in a voice I hadn’t used for quite some time.

“Yep?”

“Rack us up a line too, won’t you?”

Her grin. “I already have.”

Gums were numb. The last line trickled down the back of my throat. Whoa, I’d forgotten.

Laughter. Anecdotes. More laughter. Ben couldn’t stop stroking my arm, turning my limbs to sherbet. Each touch sent electricity through my body. I felt this intense singular pulse between my legs. I picked up his hand and entwined our fingers. I felt so sexy. So proud. What an incredible dinner party. He will want to marry me. He will...