He immediately started clearing away a pile of brush leaned up against the back of the house. I moved to help, and we worked silently side by side as the sun lowered itself in the sky. The pile grew smaller, revealing two large cellar doors sealed together with an old padlock. Ray dug his keys out of his pocket and picked through them until he found the right one. He lifted open the doors. Dust filled my nose. Concrete steps led into darkness. Ray motioned to the steps. I ducked my head and stepped into the darkness, holding the railing on the left to steady my feet as I made my way down. I came to the bottom and turned to look up at Ray, waiting for him to follow me. But he didn’t. He just stood there looking at me with a strange expression on his face. Then, without saying a word, he reached over and shut one of the doors. He wasn’t coming with me?

“Ray?” I called up to him. He closed the other door. “Ray!” I yelled louder this time as I scrambled to the top of the stairs and pushed on the door. It didn’t budge. I beat on it with my fists.

“What are you doing?” I screamed.

Nothing.

My ears buzzed with silence. What was happening? A surge of fear ran through my body. “Relax,” I admonished myself. “This is all part of the process.” I repeated it like a mantra until the fear began to subside and my thoughts slowed down.

I’d done fear exercises before. I’d stood naked in front of the entire group. All of us women had done it to release our unhealthy focus on our bodies. We’d all cried. I’d shaken through most of it. But I’d gotten through it and the next one, too, just like I’d get through this. I let out a deep breath, my muscles slowly untangling. I turned around and headed back into the cellar.

There weren’t any windows, just four concrete walls. The paint had started chipping off in places, revealing rows of bricks underneath. Pieces had been gouged out like someone had tried to dig their way out. I shoved down the questions surging their way up the back of my throat and focused my attention on the other corner. There was a mattress with a thin blanket tossed on it. No pillow. The only other thing in the cellar was a bucket. I shuddered just thinking about what it might be for. All of this was so gross. I hadn’t expected it to be so disgusting.