I had just slid down the brick wall onto the concrete floor when I heard it—a sound that didn’t come from me. I sprang up. Was it coming from the doors? There it was again. There was no mistaking someone was at the door. I dashed up to the door just as one of the sides opened, and I plunged headlong into the sunshine. Ray pulled me back. I stumbled backward on the stairs, steadying myself against the wall.

“Move back,” he ordered sternly. He grabbed my arm and twisted me around so I faced the cellar. Something about the way he gripped me let me know I didn’t have a choice.

“What’s happening? What’s going on, Ray? I don’t understand.” My voice came out sounding like it had when I was a little girl. I tried not to cry as I stepped back into the cellar. I just wanted the sunlight.

He followed me down, taking in the space with one sweep before turning his gaze on me. I straightened up immediately, wiping underneath my eyes with my fingertips. I coughed nervously and tried to look alert. It was dark, but I could still see the disappointment in his eyes.

“What day is it?” I asked.

“Wednesday.”

I had left Monday. I wanted to reach for him, but his arms were folded across his chest. His face was set in stone, impassive, the way he got when we were expected to feel our uncomfortable emotions without being comforted in any way. It was awful. I burst into tears, bubbling over with all the emotions I’d been through in the last few hours—days—I didn’t even know. That was part of it. How was I supposed to get grounded when there was nothing to orient me to time and space? “Please tell me what’s happening,” I begged.

“You’re going through your forty days in the desert, just like Jesus.”

“Forty days? Nobody said anything about forty days. In here?”

He nodded.

“All alone?” My voice sounded so small.

“Right before Jesus was about to begin his ministry, he was taken into the desert alone and tempted by the devil for forty days. He brought everything he could against him, but Jesus withstood every single attack. He had to prove to God that he would withstand all tests against him. And he did. God expects the same of any of his disciples as they prepare for their ministry.”

I shook my head. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I can’t,” I cried. I felt like such a failure, but I couldn’t take another minute.

“I understand if you don’t have what it takes.” His face broke into a tender smile. “It’s okay, Kate. God loves you like he loves all his children. Nothing changes that.” He pointed to the stairway behind him. “There’s two doors at the top of those stairs, and they’re wide open. Do you know how many people turn back at this point?”

“Really?”

He wrinkled his eyebrows in surprise. “Are you kidding me? Of course.” He motioned to the brick walls surrounding us. “This is a pretty raw mirror of self.” He laughed, and the sound of his laughter removed some of the tension twisting my insides. “I really thought you were one of us, though.” He leaned forward and peeled the matted hair off my cheeks and tucked it behind my ears. I melted into his touch, like being enclosed in the womb. “I always saw you as having a warrior spirit. I’m usually not wrong about these things.”