Dad held up his hand. “So Love International is a cult?”

“She shows all the classic signs of someone who’s been indoctrinated and brainwashed by a cult,” Camille announced, like she was giving us a diagnosis.

KATE

THEN

Scott and I had a lovely evening with Abbi where we’d played all her favorite games—Sorry!, Chutes and Ladders, and her newest favorite, UNO. She had been exhausted by the time we were done and had fallen asleep while I read to her. Scott and I had just put on an independent movie and settled onto the couch. It was Saturday night, which meant halfway through Scott would put his arm around my shoulder and move closer to me on the couch. It wouldn’t be long before he started rubbing my thigh in a way that only meant one thing. Then we’d work our way to the bedroom and fall asleep next to each other after we made love.

Nearly paralyzing claustrophobia assaulted me. Everything swirled around me like something terrible might happen, but nothing was wrong. Still. It made my skin crawl thinking about getting through another Saturday night and having to see the pained expression on Scott’s face if I told him how I really felt.

“Are you okay?” Scott asked.

I jumped up. “I’m good. I think I just need some water. Do you want anything?”

He grabbed the remote, pausing the movie until I got back. “No, thanks.”

I tried to act normal as I walked to the kitchen. My body was covered in sweat, and my heart raced. I turned on the sink and splashed water on my face.

This is it. Ray talked about this.

I slowly lifted my head and grabbed the towel to dry my face. He’d felt this too. It was what had pushed him to go in search of a higher meaning. He’d shared the story with me during our first meeting. I smiled at how long ago it seemed already. I was a different person.

I grabbed a water glass from the cupboard and filled it all the way to the top. I took a big gulp, hoping it’d help my throat stop feeling like it was closing up. This was it, wasn’t it? The moment they’d all been talking about—the calling. A sudden peace filled my insides. The light was everywhere, making the kitchen shine brighter than I’d ever seen it. I set my water on the counter and dropped to my knees, hands folded against my chest.

“I’m here. Use me,” I whispered.

I opened myself to the light around me, and it filled me.

“Kate?” Scott’s voice called from the living room. “Are you okay in there?”

“Coming! I decided to sneak a cookie while I was in here.”

My second lie of the night. That was what was wrong with my American dream. I couldn’t tell the truth, and my soul needed to tell the truth. I stood slowly, savoring the knowing and the peace before heading back out to the living room to join Scott. The sounds from the TV seemed so meaningless. I went within to where I could dance like I wanted to. Scott’s hand rubbing my thigh startled me back into the present. I took his hand and placed it back on his lap. “I’m sorry, honey. I have a bad headache tonight.”