“No, no cake, thanks, but some food would be great – we could order in a pile of pizzas so that you don’t have to go to any trouble though?”

“We’ll see, shall we? I think it will do you good to let your hair down and have some fun. You haven’t been yourself lately.” She runs her hand affectionately over my hair and I feel guilt rumble into my stomach, knowing I am lying to her.

I close myself in my bedroom and call El, tell her Martha is on board. “But seriously, El, we can’t have too many people over, ok?”

“We won’t! It will just be Brian and a few of his mates. Have you invited Tracey?”

“Yes, she said she’s coming too.”

“Oh, fun!”

I wonder if there’s a reason she’s asking.

When I hang up, I call Tracey and the conversation couldn’t be more different. We talk about my parents leaving, how different the house feels, lighter, less like it’s slowly suffocating me.

“Why did they even have kids then?” she asks honestly.

It’s a question I’ve often asked myself. “I don’t think I was planned. They are older, much older than most of my friends’ parents, and I was an unfortunate development when they were more interested in socialising, I guess.” I should ask them one day, find out whether I was planned or not.

“Anyway, the party is next weekend. You are still coming, aren’t you?”

“Um, about that, I don’t know if I should.”

“Why? I really want you to.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to cause trouble with Eloise.”

“She knows you’re coming and she will be too busy with Brian to be bothered with you, trust me. Please come.”

There is silence, only her breath faintly audible along the line.

“Ok.”

“Great! Now I just need to lose a few pounds before then.”

“No, you don’t. You need to be at that party the way you are, as yourself and no one else.”

She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I don’t have her confidence. I’ve had nothing to eat all day and I am now ravenous and doing everything I can to distract myself from heading down to the kitchen to see what Martha has cooked up.

We start talking about books, movies that are on that we want to see. We tentatively arrange to go to the cinema in town later in the week. She says her dad is happy to give us a lift and I’m envious that her dad will do anything for her, whereas mine would arrange for Arthur to take me where I need to be, would just throw some cash at me without a glance or a thought.