The idea of a confrontation did not fill her with joy though. Her life had been quiet and settled for some time now and she generally liked it that way. Yes, she could feel lonely, but that was only because Mills was older now and living a more independent life, leaving Helen behind. She didn’t need Helen as much. But that was what you were supposed to want for your children, wasn’t it? Independence, a free spirit, to make their own way in the world? For so long, it had been just Helen and Mills against the world. Even when Helen married Hugh and they found themselves catapulted into a ready-made family, it felt like the others circled them warily, freaks in a cage, never quite getting close. Now it felt like Mills was pulling away from Helen too, leaving her behind.

Helen remembered when she had lost Mills for all of ten minutes once. That desperate feeling of not knowing where she was, if she was safe, if she was hurt, had haunted her ever since. Mills had been three years old and had wandered out of the bookshop door one sunny summer afternoon when Helen had nipped for a wee in the toilet at the back of the shop. When she had looked around for Mills, she had found the shop door open and had rushed outside. The cobbled street was busy as it was peak tourist season. All she could see were men in shorts and socks, pale legs on show, and women with straining t-shirts and wedge-heeled sandals teetering across the cobbles. Helen had the horrible decision of going left or right. She left the shop door wide open and ran down the road to the right, hoping she had chosen wisely. The panic had made breathing impossible, fear gripping at her diaphragm and making her lightheaded. She couldn’t get her eyes to focus. Then, at the bottom of the street, she saw a woman walking up the hill, holding Mills by the hand. Helen had raced towards her, grabbed Mills and crushed her in a vice-like hug, while repeating, Thank you, thank you, over and over to the startled woman.

Thank you for not being a paedophile. Thank you for not running off with her. Thank you for seeing her and bringing her back.

That feeling, that sense of utter, gaping, unfillable loss – she never wanted to feel that ever again.

But before she knew it, it would be just her and Hugh in this house, rattling around and avoiding each other. Mills would be off living her own life.