Ava’s problems were endless. She would conquer one milestone: she was sitting up! Only to fall behind in others: she wasn’t reaching for objects as she should be, still wasn’t absorbing enough nutrients, was having trouble keeping food down. She was in a brutal sort of race to claim the basic functions of her humanity. When I saw healthy babies and toddlers on the streets of Park City, it gutted me. Even with all her troubles, Ava was so cute, with sparkling eyes and a smile that made my knees weak; she seemed destined to grow into a beautiful child, if only she could make it there. Eventually, the NG tube was gone from her tiny face and replaced with a G-tube that went through directly into her stomach, giving Penny a way to make sure she was getting enough nutrients and circumventing the problem of her acid reflux.

“I just don’t understand it,” my mom confessed to me on the phone shortly after the surgery. “Whenever she’s here she seems to eat just fine.”

I came home to celebrate my twenty-fifth birthday in October with my family, and Ava—seven months old by then—ended up in the hospital for dehydration and a spiking fever. I remember seeing her lying limply on my sister’s lap and being struck with a deep terror. I told myself it was the surroundings—being in a children’s hospital was upsetting—and nothing to do with the oddly serene expression on Penny’s face. Later that day, a picture of Ava hooked up to the IV appeared on Penny’s Facebook.

Rough day for my little girl today! She’s still having trouble with eating and it’s caused her to get dehydrated. Most of the nurses at Children’s are amazing but today Ava’s nurse was grouchy and couldn’t find her vein! I know I should be patient but it’s just so hard when we’re in the hospital all the time. I’m a mess today, bursting into tears every five minutes.

This was not the Penny I’d seen in the hospital, looking as calm and majestic holding her daughter as a pietà in a classical painting. But maybe she’d been putting on a brave face for me.

Back in Park City, I thought about Ava and Penny all the time. I scrolled through Penny’s Facebook like a zombie, my stomach a snarl of guilt, worry, and suspicion I couldn’t yet put a name to.