AS I was back in Park City trying to get in fighting shape for World Cup season and, hopefully, the Turin Olympics, Ava was becoming something of a social media celebrity. Every time I looked on Facebook, there were more comments on Penny’s posts, more names I didn’t recognize on her ever-expanding friends list. The frequent pictures of Ava featured updates on what Penny called her “healing journey.” They would sometimes be written in Penny’s voice, but more often in Ava’s.

Boy am I giving Mommy lots of laundry to do today, I puked on her three times this morning! I’m sad because we had to put my NG tube back in. But I’m being very brave and giving Mommy lots of snuggles.

Beneath was a picture of Ava looking forlornly at the camera, her feeding tube snaking out of one of her tiny nostrils. Was this what Ava was really thinking? There seemed no question that Penny could rely on the depth of their connection to speak for her, to be her proxy to the world. The likes on each of Penny’s posts soared into the hundreds with dozens of comments from well-wishers below, mostly other moms. Ava has the best mommy ever! Ava says be brave, Mommy, I’m going to be better soon. Sometimes there were pictures of other infants: Riley is sending Ava big, big hugs. Parker sends kisses to his girlfriend, Ava!

I was getting the updates directly from Penny, but I still couldn’t tear myself away from her posts. I was searching for something between the lines, though I couldn’t say exactly what. It felt unseemly that Penny was sharing such personal stuff with people who, increasingly, appeared to be strangers. Some of the posts were blatant in their self-pity.

I love being Ava’s mommy and wouldn’t trade it for the world but it is just SO hard sometimes. I just want her to be healthy. That’s ALL!!!! Is that so much to ask for? I worry about her nonstop and some days I can barely sleep or eat (that’s one way to lose the baby weight LOL. Sigh). But she’s my little angel and I know God has made her a warrior.