“After I fixed you, the Wardens were protective of me, watching me, I was on my own for the first time ever, even if I did talk to Carol and Mark. But… always with an awareness that I had the absolute power to fix my situation. I don’t think, um, that there’s anyone out there who wouldn’t break down, if they were that alone and that all-powerful.”

“I can think of a few names,” I told her.

“I was on a long, slow path to getting nothing, before, and then every fuckup gave me everything except the one thing I didn’t realize I needed. I needed rock bottom, I told myself I wanted other things, but I needed the safety of having nothing left to lose. Instead, I got Goddess, and then I got Shin. A nation of my own. My parents with me. You came to me.”

I pulled off the bandages at my hand, and I held it up. Fingernail still missing, nail bed still raw.

“Yeah,” she said. “I fixed you, then hid the fix. I changed your emotions, you know. To flirt with the idea of it.”

I felt like my body couldn’t generate warmth. Something inside of me dying from the wrenching cold.

I couldn’t let her see me flinch.

“I fucked up Hunter,” she told me. She looked genuinely sad as she stroked Dot, who had settled into her arms. “I promised myself I’d fix her, and it would be my first step. I couldn’t. That’s when I realized about the rock bottom.”

I shook my head. My volume wasn’t enough that I was sure she would hear. “I don’t see how what you did to me couldn’t be your rock bottom. You’re telling me you got over it?”

“My dad likes his personal rules and I think I operate the same way. I could say that? What happened to you? Never again. Until it became clear that that was reversible. I reversed it, on the eve of Gold Morning. It wouldn’t have even been hard to go further. I could have changed the minds of everyone in our family, everyone we knew. I care, it… crushes me. I have nightmares about it. But…”

I looked away.

“I hurt Hunter. I changed her personality without meaning to and then I let her become a Titan. I couldn’t fix it. I feel clarity again, like I did in the Birdcage. I… don’t think I could bring myself to use my power on you again. Old guilt is mixing with new guilt, and I… don’t feel like it’s all reversible. I don’t feel omnipotent. I know I hurt you. I feel sick about things that seemed matter-of-fact before.”

“All it took was another life ruined?” I asked. “Hunter’s?”