Back when I’d been in high school, Amy had drawn a lot of initial attention when she’d triggered and got her power. A friend, excited, had shared an anecdote from her dad about health issues: you knew that health problem that had been nagging at you for a while was serious when you woke up simultaneously shivering uncontrollably and drenched in sweat.

That was the general metric, when your body ceased making fundamental sense. When I’d technically slept a full night but felt exhausted.

When I’d had a hot shower an hour ago and felt scummy and cold now.

When I’d had someone in my arms an hour and ten minutes ago, and felt cold and empty now.

When I was ravenously hungry, with maybe the best chicken dish I’d had in my life in front of me, lightly fried chicken strips with none of the moisture loss I tended to associate with frying, with spices I’d never had before, salsa utilizing new, better vegetables I’d never had before, and a dollop of sour cream to dip in.

And I felt too nauseous to eat.

I’d walked away from the situation room and the Amy situation wanting to climb into bed and pull heavy covers up around me. Not an option. I needed to do what I could here, or I’d regret it forever.

I wanted another shower, but it would have felt weird, and my skin always prickled and itched if I showered too much in close succession. If my skin did that now then there was a good chance I’d drag nine fingernails through it until it stopped or I didn’t have skin anymore.

I’d needed to get out, and my instinct was to meet my basic needs. Late morning, roughly time for lunch. There were cafeterias in the Wardens Headquarters.

It was supposed to be me coming up for air. That was what the situation room was becoming, for me. Being pushed beneath the surface, a brief, furious struggle, victory, a gasp of air. Pushed beneath again.

I wanted out and away. Actual freedom, extending as far as my fist, stopping at the enemy’s face. The Wardens were suppressing me.

But… stretching out that metaphor, I was aware that the drowning could latch onto rescuers, even fight them in their desperation. Another case of our bodies and biology being counterintuitive, uncomfortable or dangerous. I was acutely aware of the contradictions and hints that surrounded me and myself now. Extending myself to offer Amy that benefit of a doubt meant I had to extend the doubt to myself at the same time, sans benefit.