She turned back to the screen, but the hand she’d laid on my shoulder earlier was still there, shifting to a resting one as she turned in a quarter-circle, more reassuring.

It remained there for a few seconds, before someone needed her to take a tablet with some team information on it.

“Excuse me,” I said, feeling hollowed out. “I need a breath of fresh air.”

My mom wasn’t fast enough out of her seat, and I motioned for her to stay down. Crystal didn’t follow. Vista had her duties.

Darnall and Jessica intercepted me, like the Dauntless Titan and accompanying Simurgh seemed intent on intercepting the Chevalier.

A matter of seconds, for them to intercept me. A matter of seven minutes, for the titan to meet the giant.

They met me out in the hall. All of us were dead silent, as we walked past Golem and Cuff. Past two members of the flock.

“I probably just validated every fear you’ve had about the Victoria from Teacher’s doctored diary,” I said.

Jessica didn’t answer.

“Do you need anything?” Darnall asked.

I shook my head.

“Can I call someone?”

“Half the people you could call are in that room and saw that. The other half I’m not allowed to talk to,” I said, bitter. And I could understand why I wasn’t allowed to talk to them, but fuck.

And I didn’t like Darnall. I respected him, but I didn’t like him.

And I couldn’t look at Jessica without imagining her strangling her patient.

“How are you?” Darnall asked. “Would you rather Jessica step away, we can have a chat?”

I shook my head.

I wanted the opposite, despite those intrusive thoughts about the strangling.

“I don’t know what else I could have or should have done,” I said. “I’m legitimately scared, because I gave her implicit permission to approach, to get closer to me. I feel gross and hollow and shitty, and I can’t—can’t take the feelings and tie strings to them and connect them to the origins. Except I know I hate her. So much. I hate that she makes me feel like this. I hate that she won’t go away. I hate that I want to get far away from being the Victoria who took satisfaction and relief from beating up Nazis and at the same time all I want right now is to fly away, ignore the restrictions on power use, and do what I said earlier about dropping something on Amy, while she’s processing those giants for the quarantine zone. I hate it. I hate that I’m walking away feeling like this might not have been worth it, because I can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t the thing that breaks the city and sets everything off.”

“I should step away,” Jessica said. “This is more for Darnall than for me.”