“Yeah. Makes sense,” Kenzie said. “Chris said once that when I became an adult, or when I started to become one, it would be a nightmare.”

“Chris is an ass.”

“But he’s an extra big ass because he’s right, a lot of the time,” she said. “I’m worried because the nightmare started already.”

I floated down so I was in a sitting position, my rear end a couple of inches from the snow below. Putting myself more on Kenzie’s level, my legs crossed. I leaned forward, but she maintained a position where she stared off into the distance, not facing me, so I couldn’t see her face, even now.

I ventured, “I noticed this morning that you took some toiletries from under the sink.”

“I can replace them, sorry.”

“No, no need. It’s there to be taken, so help yourself, take some with you the next time you come by. But if you have any questions…?”

“Not that,” she said. “Maybe a bit of that. There are two of the Chicken Tenders that I really like. Being away from them hurts extra.”

“Crushes?” I asked.

I couldn’t see her face, but I could see her swallow hard. “I keep getting double-whammied. Two crushes, then I’m sad and my stomach hurts because of Ashley and I’m weird-sad and sore because yay, I’m a woman or something—”

Might need to chat at another time and place.

“—and I’m missing them because I’m not there and they hurt my feelings and I screwed up by reading their stuff, and I’m missing them extra because more weird feelings and hormones.”

“These things level off, they balance out,” I said, to say something, even though it felt like an empty platitude.

“I’ve been told for years now that I’m scaring people, I’m hard to predict, I’m out of control. And for most of that I just kind of felt like… no? Not really? I meant well, it wasn’t that bad. It was an accident.”

“Yeah.”

“Feeling like I do right now…” she trailed off.

“What feelings?” I asked, to prompt her, because it seemed like she really needed to get this out, and because I had no answers to give, and asking questions had a chance of moving the conversation to a point where there were answers to give.

“Desperate feelings,” Kenzie said. She hugged her arms to her chest. “Like some of the worst feelings I had, like when my foster dads were almost gone, or I knew something had happened to Ashley but I hadn’t looked to check for-absolute-sure yet. Or when Chris left but I thought maybe he could come back. It’s like there’s someone really deep inside me, and she’s scratching at the walls of the box she’s in so hard she’s leaving marks in the metal.”

I took in a deep breath.