In the bottom right, I had my numbers, each with their heading. Mood. Health. Mind. Friends. Family. I hated the 1-10 scale because it was so subjective, and a ten from weeks ago wasn’t a ten today. Instead, I used a plus and minus system, except when a day called for a very specific number.

After that was my notes for physio, my notes for the day, and commentary. Then a new page, a new circle and list of questions and answers, and a new set of numbers.

The page he started on, past a few cursory glances at the preceding ones, was the day after we’d found out about Teacher’s plot. The morning I’d told Sveta to do her thing.

I’d borrowed Sveta’s paint. I’d filled in the circle black.

To characterize the coming day and days, I’d described the days as a person who was bloody from fingertip to elbow, tattered, and looming over me.

Blood because of the imminent surgeries. Because Teacher. And because that had been the day I’d had to pass under the shadow of my sister. Thanks to those tattoos of hers, thanks to that fucking selfish symbology that was supposed to represent me with suns and my face in silhouette, thanks most of all to the color red that stained her arms from finger to elbow and whoever knew how much else, she was that bloody, looming spectre.

But I’d had to.

He read my explanations, ran a finger across the numbers. No pluses, obviously, not so much use for minuses. It had been a day that had caught me off guard enough that there was no saying my mood or my connection to my friends was a minus one or a minus five. Instead a 1, −2, 4, 3, 2. Low numbers.

On the next page. Another circle. Black, but with lines radiating out, shaky, to represent anxiety.

Another, but I’d left the brush on the page, letting the black soak in, bleeding out over text. I’d been so anxious I hadn’t had it in me to sit down and write anything meaningful. I’d gone straight to my physio, then left.

On the third day, a black circle, but with sliver-like gaps. I’d drawn eyes in the gaps. I’d elaborated around, in what I’d intended as rays of the sun.

On the fourth, the same idea, but the eyes were larger, and there was less black. I realized now that I’d invoked the Wretch, with so many eyes, and with the ‘rays’ radiating out having frayed ends, like wavy, reaching arms, fingers extended out.