I am sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, trying not to think. Jayla’s parents let her stay home with me today since my parents reluctantly had to go to work and I’m only two days post-op. They both wanted to stay home, but they’ve missed so much already and will miss more with all the specialist visits. Ironically, instead of going out to audition Monday, I have a surgical follow-up.

I glance down at the bandage around my arm, wondering what it’s going to look like after this is all done. And then I think about how it used to look playing cello, something I won’t be able to do for weeks.

“You have serious balls,” Jayla says, and I sigh. I could just sit here and let her handle it, but I know I need to see him. I need to talk to him. It’s been almost a week since the accident, three days since I texted him, and it still feels like I can’t breathe without him. We both know this doesn’t work anymore, though. And if we don’t, at least I do.

I know it was my decision to leave that night, and my decision to get in the car and stay there, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice, and I think a part of me will always resent him for that. No matter how much I love him and want him, I just can’t anymore.

“Let him in.”

Jayla looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles but steps back and opens the door wider anyway. Ridley walks in and I look up, fighting the urge to hug him. I take an inventory instead. He looks smaller somehow, more jittery. He’s all bruised up, and there’s a bandage on his head. A large chunk of his hair is missing where they had to shave it. There are dark purple moons beneath his eyes that suggest he hasn’t been sleeping. Maybe his pain meds aren’t as good as mine.

He walks slowly, gingerly, to the chair across from me, and I don’t miss the way he winces as he sits down. Jayla comes and sits next to me, and I give her a look that makes her roll her eyes.

“I’m gonna go make lunch,” she says. I know how much she hates him for this, and I know how much effort it takes for her to give us space. Jayla has been my rock, through the tears for the audition and even the tears for Ridley. I don’t know which I cried harder for, anyway.