“You have to understand how it was growing up. The only time my dad paid attention to me was when I fucked up—I was either invisible or getting yelled at, no in-between. And there was constant pressure from tutors and school and life, and Gray was so fucking perfect all the time, and I—I wasn’t. Ever. I couldn’t take it. Eventually I started thinking of exit strategies or whatever.”

“Exit strategies?” she asks. “Like what? Running away?”

I look down, studying the little threads of her carpet. “A little more permanent than that, Peak.” I hold my breath, waiting to see how she’ll react. This is usually when people freak.

She just whispers “Jesus” and rubs her fingers over mine, wriggling them in until our hands are linked.

“Yeah, so, it’s whatever,” I say, feeling a little bit like throwing up. I’m a raw nerve, a full-body toothache, but she should know what she’s getting into.

ishouldgoishould

She’s still holding my hand tight, like she wants me to stay, and I can’t figure out why.

“Do you still think like that? The exit-strategy thing,” she asks.

I pull my hand back and bite my nail, trying to figure out what the right answer is. I said no more lies, and yet.

And yet.

“You don’t have to answer—”

“I said I would tell you whatever you wanted to know.” She opens her mouth to interrupt, but I just keep talking. “Sort of, I guess? It’s different now; it’s not urgent like it used to be. It’s more like a habit, if that makes sense?” I glance at her face. “You know how some people go to movie theaters and have to find all the emergency exits, or they go out to eat and have to face the door no matter what, and half the time they don’t even realize they’re doing it?”

She nods, but kind of slowly, hesitant.

“That’s how it is, just like a glitch in the comfort matrix or something. Something my brain tosses out there, and I’m like, ‘Cool, thanks for the suggestion, but maybe we could just play a video game instead.’ It’s just crossed lines. It’s fine.” I’m downplaying it some, but whatever.

Peak crawls up behind me and wraps her arms around me hard, holding tight, like she’s worried I’ll float away if she lets go. I rub my cheek against her arm and sigh. “It’s really not a big deal, so please don’t worry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”