I take a deep breath. Am I that insecure? That desperate? No! I’m here in Melbourne, with actual friends, wearing a (fake, cheap) leather jacket, my hair might be unwashed but it has dry shampoo in it so it’s not terrible, and as much as I don’t feel it, I’m living my best life. I am, or at least I’m living a good one. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I don’t need to step off the cliff into chaos.

‘No, I think it’s okay. I don’t need a fake boyfriend. That’s too much. That’s going too far,’ I say. I smile reassuringly at Henry, so he knows I can recognise a bad idea when I hear it.

Henry looks relieved. Penny is disappointed.

‘I think he’s coming over,’ Jesse announces.

‘Shit,’ I say.

I sneak a look. I can see Tristan kissing Kendra on the cheek, whispering something in her ear, and then walking in this direction. I look away before he can make eye contact. He’s going to say, ‘How are you?’ and ‘What have you been up to?’ and ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ and I don’t know how to answer any of those questions. They feel impossible. Look at the failure of a conversation I’ve just had with Henry. I’m boring, and I have no news, and nothing to say. Panic is rising in my chest. Penny’s words echo in my head.

It’s not sensible, it’s not healthy, it’s not smart, but sometimes you have to do it.

‘I’ve changed my mind, I’ve changed my mind, I do need a fake boyfriend, just for the next ten minutes,’ I say. I need something, some kind of armour. Penny claps her hands with excitement, like a villain when their dastardly plan comes together, and she nudges Henry.

‘Do it!’ she says, nodding at him enthusiastically.

Henry looks like a man being dragged to his death.

‘I don’t…I don’t think I can. I hate public speaking.’

‘How is this public speaking?’ Penny says.

‘I don’t know, it’s just giving me the same feeling. I’m not very good at on-the-spot stuff, I…’ he says, shaking his head.

‘What about your stand-up?’ Penny says. ‘This will be exactly like performing on stage.’

‘Not exactly,’ I say quickly. I don’t want him doing comedy. ‘But similar.’

‘I haven’t had a lot of stage experience yet,’ Henry says.

There is a beat of silence. Tristan will be here any second. I can almost see a droplet of sweat forming on Henry’s forehead. I need to put the poor boy out of his misery.

‘Henry, I swear to god, I’ll message your mum and sisters right now,’ Penny says, holding up her phone threateningly.

‘Penny, no,’ Henry says.

‘I’m opening the family group chat,’ Penny says.