Jesse moves, and I think he’s going to kiss me, but instead he stands up from the stool, which means our faces are further apart, but our bodies are suddenly pressed closer. I rest my head against his chest. I can feel his heart beating through his T-shirt. It’s going as fast as mine.

I look up at him.

‘So,’ I say. I’m nervous. I’m so nervous, I almost want to run away and hide. It’s too much, everything I am feeling, everything I don’t want to be feeling.

‘How about I just lean down, like this?’ Jesse says, kind of murmuring, our faces almost touching. He seems to understand that I need to feel in control. That he needs to move slowly.

‘Okay,’ I say.

‘And then I put my hand on your cheek, like this,’ he says.

‘Mmmhmmm,’ I say.

‘I’ll push back this bit of hair,’ he says, tucking it behind my ear.

‘Okay,’ I say, closing my eyes because looking at him feels unbearable.

‘And then I’ll kiss you very, very slowly,’ he says, his words barely words, barely a whisper, and then his lips touch mine as he finishes the sentence.

He kisses me as slowly as he said he would, and I kiss him back. It’s soft and careful and lovely. He starts to draw away, but then changes his mind, and he leans back in and kisses me again, but with more urgency this time. I kiss him back.

We kiss like we’re in private, like we’re not standing in the middle of a pub. I push my hands into his hair. He has his hands on my back, pulling me in closer. I didn’t know kissing could feel like this. I didn’t know I could feel like this.

Then I realise what we’re doing, and where we are, and I pull away, almost panting. I’m scared he’s going to find me out, that he’ll be able to easily see how much I wanted it. I kissed him back with too much hunger, too much care, too much naked desire. And I did it in front of everyone.

But, god, he’s a good kisser.

‘That was good, I mean, that was good as in believable,’ I say, my face burning hot.

‘Yes, it was. That’ll do it, I think,’ he says. His hair is mussed and he looks slightly shell-shocked.

We make quick, anxious what-the-fuck-have-we-done eye contact, and I turn and rush away.

23

23

I hurry to the bathroom and it’s blissfully empty. I stand at the sink. My cheeks are pink and flushed in a way that makes me look better than usual. I glare at myself in the mirror. Stop it. Stop looking pretty and pink-cheeked and giggly, you pathetic fool.

We kissed.

We kissed and it was so good.

I allow myself one very quick, excited smile.