‘Oh, I have this idea for running a bespoke dating agency for young people who are tired of bars and don’t want to go on the usual dating apps. It’s really selective; you only find out about it through word of mouth,’ Penny says, her eyes shining with excitement.

‘That sounds great,’ I say, and Penny and Harper exchange a quick look.

‘Yes, I’m developing it with Harper for our Entrepreneurship and Innovation class this semester. We had to come up with a business plan and prototype for a service or product,’ Penny says.

‘And we need some real-life case studies,’ Harper adds, chin in hand, watching me.

They both fall silent. Everyone is looking at me now.

‘Wait. Sorry? You want to use me?’ I say.

‘You’re single, right?’ Penny says.

‘Well, yes, technically,’ I say. I don’t know why I say ‘technically’. There’s nothing technical about it.

‘Are you looking to meet someone but you’re not into the club scene or dating apps?’ Harper says, sounding as though she’s reading off a questionnaire sheet at a doctor’s office.

‘Well, I guess so, kind of.’ I’m scrambling. I’m not into anything with the word ‘scene’ involved and dating apps scare the hell out of me, so she is right, but I also am very clearly falling into a trap. Am I looking to meet someone? Where does desperate-to-be-loved-but-terrified-of-intimacy fall on that scale? I kind of assumed, when I moved here, I would meet someone in one of three ways. Scenario one: while waiting for my coffee at a cafe, they would call out my order, and a cute guy would step forward, because we have the same order, and we would smile at each other, and just know, and fall in love. Scenario two: I would be in a bookshop, looking for a certain book, and they only have one copy, and a cute guy and I reach for it at the same time, and we smile at each other, and just know, and fall in love. Scenario three, my most elaborate: a French exchange student would join my creative writing class and he would read my work and give me feedback in French and I would translate his note and realise it was actually him telling me how beautiful I am, and we would fall in love and he would make me croissants from scratch and show me how to wear little silk scarves.

None of these scenarios have come close to eventuating. I once saw a cute guy in a bookshop, but then I noticed he was buying a Jordan Peterson book and I lost interest.

‘We’ve had some success setting up a few of our friends but we need some straight subjects too, to see how wide we can go with it,’ Penny is saying.

‘Is this a real business or just a uni assignment?’ Jesse says.