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Chapters (55)
  1. Cover
  2. Title Page
  3. Copyright
  4. Dedication
  5. Acknowledgments
  6. Cast of Characters
  7. Part One
  8. One
  9. Two
  10. Three
  11. Four
  12. Five
  13. Six
  14. Seven
  15. Eight
  16. Nine
  17. Ten
  18. Eleven
  19. Twelve
  20. Thirteen
  21. Fourteen
  22. Fifteen
  23. Sixteen
  24. Seventeen
  25. Eighteen
  26. Nineteen
  27. Part Two
  28. Twenty
  29. Twenty-one
  30. Twenty-two
  31. Twenty-three
  32. Twenty-four
  33. Twenty-five
  34. Twenty-six
  35. Twenty-seven
  36. Twenty-eight
  37. Twenty-nine
  38. Thirty
  39. Thirty-one
  40. Thirty-two
  41. Thirty-three
  42. Thirty-four
  43. Thirty-five
  44. Thirty-six
  45. Thirty-seven
  46. Thirty-eight
  47. Thirty-nine
  48. Forty
  49. Forty-one
  50. Forty-two
  51. Forty-three
  52. Forty-four
  53. Forty-five
  54. Forty-six
  55. A note on the Author

She told me that since Scott she had been on a few dates with a fellow Buddhist she met at yoga. He was a lot younger than her, though, and before every date she would worry that he was used to hanging around with nineteen-year-old models. All those models are Buddhists. That’s how they come to work in a profession of such profound enlightenment. Yeah, I know my job is just as scuzzy, but at least my face moves when you look at it. At least I know I’m a fool.

So Rachel told me that she was really into this young Buddhist. But worrying about her weight, her wrinkles, and other people’s preteens just wasn’t worth it. She decided she is willing to forsake romance if it means not having to be anxious. It’s the eternal choice.

When she flipped out after the audition, I knew she was hiding a lot. I think she was upset as much for herself as for me. If they weren’t going to be nice to me then she had to, and that’s a lot of responsibility—even I can see that. I can see it, but I can’t change. I felt that there was more she hadn’t told me. I asked if she had ever wanted to act. She said she kind of had, that Scott had persuaded her it might be a good idea. But she wasn’t any good at it so she kind of slunk back to photography. She probably didn’t tell you, but after that audition we went back to her house and, before we went to bed, she took my photo for the first time. I think she was crying a little.

Twenty-nine

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Fat ass

I had asked Rachel about her history with Scott so that I wouldn’t have to tell her about Liev. I knew it would be a week of pain and revelation for one of us and, frankly, I’m glad it was her. I wish I had never told Scott about Liev. If I hadn’t told him, I might not have begun to think that maybe it wasn’t all right. Of course, I dismissed Sebastian’s bombastic response almost immediately as that of an overprotective boyfriend. He was always extremely easy to dismiss, until he took my persistent suggestion and dismissed me from his life.

I didn’t want to tell Rachel about Liev because I had an inkling that, though eminently sensible, she was just left of center enough to understand how much I loved him and how much he had loved me. If she had told me that I hadn’t loved him—worse, that she didn’t think it possible that he had loved me—I would have taken it very much to heart. If I told her about my twelfth year, she might have asked questions. Like, was it all true?