I also had a point of view, but I chose to avoid it most of the time. Were I to embrace it, I would have had to acknowledge other things that I was not interested in acknowledging. People like me created useful stories to paste over other stories. Because the real stories would take you on a deep dive to hell. If you knew for a fact that you’d break into a thousand pieces on your way there, then you might say to yourself, well, Jesus was actually wrong with regard to me.

In my case, I had a structure to my life and my mind, and I wasn’t going to trade that in for anarchy and chaos.

Natalie was different than I was. She could stomach her reflection in the mirror, not just once, but over and over, each and every day. She could look at herself and say, This is the person I am. I have nothing to offer that doesn’t come from a place of darkness and ugliness.

I lay in my bed that night with Natalie in the next room. I rested my hand on my abdomen and felt the faintest movement. The baby was going to provide a pathway out of the grime that had been clinging to me for all these years. I had a window now, and I could see what was possible.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

It was Saturday morning. I heard Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” from the living room. Natalie’s iPhone was playing. She didn’t see me. Her head was back, her arms in the air, and she was singing and dancing with abandon: “And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake…”

Natalie ate a chocolate croissant for breakfast. I made coffee for myself. She perused the apartment, looking at my books, my desk, and in my closet.

I showered and dressed. When I came out of the bedroom, I saw her standing in front of me with her backpack over her shoulders. Her arms were crossed in front of her body and she was staring at the ground, as if she didn’t want to meet my eyes. “I need to go upstairs and make a quick phone call.” She turned abruptly and left.

Initially she’d said she wanted to stay for the whole morning.

I turned my attention to unloading the dishwasher, which I’d run the night before. I placed all the bowls on one shelf and the plates on a different shelf. When finished with that task, I loaded the washing machine and folded the towels that I’d left in the dryer. I’d purchased expensive Turkish towels when I’d moved. I enjoyed folding them and running my hands over them.