“I will feel fulfilled if I’m able to help Amelia and Fritz.” I made an effort to speak at a normal volume and at a normal pace.

“How does it benefit you?” The doctor peered over his glasses again.

“Bringing a child into the world.” I pressed the heel of one of my shoes deep into my other foot, hoping the pain would distract me from my self-consciousness.

“You have a son?” The doctor pursed his lips.

“Yes.” My heart rate quickened. I felt perspiration under my clothing.

“How old is he?” He smiled benignly.

“Five.”

The doctor sighed and placed his fingertips together, making the shape of a roof in front of his chin. “Your personal situation, it’s not the typical profile I see.”

I looked down and noticed the hem of my pants was loose.

“So I have to be cautious.” He sighed. “And I expect Amelia and Fritz to be especially cautious. Why don’t you want to have another child of your own?”

“I might one day.”

“Yes?” He collapsed the roof of his fingers down, then brought them back up.

“I loved how my body felt when I was pregnant.” I placed my hand on my abdomen.

“Where did you deliver?”

“Hmmm?” I feared that sweat stains were showing under my arms.

“Where did you deliver your son?”

Breathing in my core, low in my center. I’d practiced my answers. “California.”

“The hospital and doctor?”

“A natural birth center. It was … a midwife.”

The doctor smiled and squinted. “Vaginal?”

“Mm-hmm.” Could he prove that I had or had not given birth before?

“Epidural?” He tapped his fingertips together lightly.

I shook my head. Low breathing in my core. I thought that Amelia might prefer that I have a C-section and be put under so that I’d have no opportunity to bond with the baby.

“Any issues or complications with the prior pregnancy?”

“No.”

He looked down at the paperwork in front of him on the desk. “Did you breastfeed?”

Why was that any of his business?

“I hardly think it’s relevant.” Amelia sniffed. “The baby will have formula just like Natalie did.”

“OK.” The doctor raised his eyes to meet mine. “OK.” He didn’t trust me, but so far he wasn’t standing in my way.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The wheels were set in motion. I was on my way to carrying the Straubs’ baby. The embryo transfer was to take place in the middle of May. The hormones and steroids that I took leading up to it were debilitating. I felt sick most of the time, nauseous and bloated, but the physical side effects weren’t as taxing as the anxiety—the buzzing undercurrent of fear that it might not work. Amelia would lose faith in me quickly if I wasn’t successful. She would move on to another surrogate or birth mother. Her adoration would vanish if I failed her.