Happiness as Novelty

Misery is comfortable. It becomes familiar and if we grow accustomed to it, we seek it out. How many times in life have you thought, Not again? How many times have you felt yourself making the same mistake? The same bad lover, the same awful job, the same terrible friendship.

We’re creatures of habit, and once we establish a pattern for ourselves, it’s difficult to break. Whether it’s nature or nurture, we’re malleable creatures, programmable, designed to adapt to our surroundings, and if we come to have certain expectations in life, we will subconsciously ensure they are met. The bad lover will become an archetype we seek out. When the relationship inevitably deteriorates and finally breaks down, it will reinforce whatever feelings of self-loathing led us into his or her arms and reduce our self-esteem to make us even more likely to accept another inferior scoundrel.

The same goes for jobs and friendships, and pretty much every aspect of our lives.

So what can we do?

If you find yourself falling into an unhealthy pattern, don’t wallow in the comfort of the familiar. Challenge yourself to break it. Do something different. Reflect on what is leading you into a cycle of repetition, of recurrence, trapping you into making the same mistake. The same play rehearsed over and over again with slightly different lines and an altered cast of actors.

If depression puts you in bed, ignore its heavy grip and force yourself to go for a walk. I have talked about the nourishing qualities of trees and the power of forest bathing and have no doubt you’ll benefit from the phytoncides mentioned on page 286, but a walk will also broaden your world rather than shrink it. Change and optimism are hardest to deliver when we’re low, but that’s precisely when we need to be able to realize them. Don’t wallow. Get up. Get up and get out. You want a different result? Get out there and do something different to get it.

The Gap

Why aren’t you happy? Because you don’t have the woman you want? Or the man? The job? The house? The car? Have you lost someone you love?

It is far easier for us to pinpoint the sources of unhappiness than it is to explain why we’re happy. Does happiness even exist? Can you laugh during the bleakest moments? Of course. But would you describe yourself as happy? And when you are at your most contented, would you describe yourself as happy in the common meaning of the word? Or are you simply at peace? Free of desire, untroubled by longing.

We often mistake happiness for elation, and are encouraged to nurture the gaps in our lives by companies that will profit from desire. They lead us to believe transitory, endorphin-based elation is the happiness we need, but the quest for elation only creates an addiction that can never be satisfied.

Contentment is elusive and can be hard to realize. It’s much easier to believe a new car will make us happy. Or a new house. Or a new relationship.