He took my arm and pulled me to a halt. We gazed at each other for a moment, both with tears in our eyes, and then he gave me a hug. We’d never been tactile, but in that moment I understood his love for me. He wanted to take my pain away.

‘I know what Beth meant to you,’ he said as he stepped back. ‘I loved her too, but you can’t lose yourself in grief. You need to get back to work. Elliot needs to go back to school.’

Elliot had stopped a short way ahead and he wheeled round at the word. ‘I’m never going to school ever again. I’m never leaving Daddy. He needs my help. When I’m not with him, he cries.’

His words were like tiny daggers. He was being brave and putting on a front. He thought it was his job to look after me. That’s when I knew we had to find a new way to live. I’d made a promise to Beth to do whatever I could to make Elliot happy.

It is not the job of the son to look after the father.

It is never the job of the son to look after the father.

‘You have to go back to school, little man,’ I said.

‘No!’ Elliot replied, before running away.

‘Elliot,’ I called after him, but he ignored me and kept going.

‘All this grief isn’t good for either of you,’ Ben said. ‘I know how much you loved her. We all did. But you need to get your lives back. Elliot needs to move on, and so do you.’

I look back on Ben’s words and realize he never once lied to me. He never lied, but he never quite told the truth, and I still can’t decide whether by keeping so much concealed he crossed the line into dishonesty. Did he dismember the truth? Or merely sculpt it? I don’t know whether to find him guilty or if I should forgive his good intentions. I struggle, not least because it was his economy with the truth that ultimately took me from my son.

Chapter 48

That night, I had no idea what Ben was going to do to us. I went to see Elliot in his room. We hadn’t spoken since he’d run off. We’d had beans on toast for dinner, eaten in silence, and he’d taken himself to bed without even saying goodnight. I wanted to try to mend some of the broken pieces of our lives, so I knocked and entered to find him lying curled up in bed. He was wearing his favourite dinosaur pyjamas, the ones he and Beth had picked out together. He had his back to me and I saw him bring his hand to his face. I’m pretty sure he was wiping his eyes.

‘How are you doing, little man?’ I asked.

He ignored me.

‘Little man, how are you doing?’ I tried again. I sat beside him and put my hand on his shoulder.