‘You’re not supposed to say anything about that, Elliot,’ Cynthia Hughes chided him.

‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Why wouldn’t he want you to clear him? If he really believed he was innocent?’

Elliot didn’t reply immediately. He stared at me with brooding hatred. Finally, he spoke. ‘He was worried they might make me talk about it—’ he clammed up.

‘The secret,’ I blurted out. ‘The one you almost told me about at the house?’

‘I should never have spoken to you. I should never have told you he was going to take me away. I should never have trusted you.’ He turned his fierce eyes on me. ‘You’re a liar. He never hurt that man. You’re a liar and I hate you. I never want to see you again.’

Those were his last words to me. Cynthia Hughes put her arm around his shoulder, gave me a courteous but cold nod, and took him outside.

I think back to that night and wonder about what really happened. It was so dark and chaotic. What did I really see? Did Sabih step back and fall? Or did Ben Elmys lash out and kick him over? I thought I knew the truth, but now I’m not so sure. Does it matter? I’m almost certain Ben had a hand in David and Beth Asha’s deaths, and if he hadn’t fought Sabih, my friend would still be alive, so he was responsible for his death.

Maybe, deep down, part of me wants to see Ben suffer for rejecting me? Does it matter? The man I loved was an illusion. The real man deserves to be locked up.

I could be kidding myself, though. Maybe punishing Ben Elmys for Sabih’s death means I don’t have to keep punishing myself. Perhaps the suffering of another is my absolution?

There’s never going to be absolution though. The man you loved proved to be rotten. Everything you’d thought about him was wrong. All those happy moments were tainted. He had been trying to use you in some way. To cover his tracks and compromise any potential police investigation?

It didn’t matter, because whatever his motivation, he’d pretended to be someone he wasn’t. Everything you thought you felt about him was built on a lie. He hasn’t just killed your friend, and the memories of the good times you’d shared when you thought you were in love – he’s murdered your hopes for the future. How will you ever trust anyone again? How will you trust your own judgement? How will you love anyone like that ever again? How will you ever be able to feel so deeply? You’ll always hold something back, so no one can ever hurt you the way he did.

Chapter 31

The morning after the sentencing hearing, Harri woke up feeling no less troubled. Her dreams had been plagued by Sabih’s death and she’d relived the horrific moment in so many different ways. Tonight, she’d been fighting him and had been the one to kick him over the edge, an experience that had seemed so real, she’d woken from the nightmare feeling physically sick.