Chapter 46

Beth was diagnosed when our son, Elliot, was seven.

Ben waited in reception with Elliot while we discussed Beth’s treatment plan with her consultant, Dr Kelly Jackson. He kept our son company while we talked through cold hard alternatives with the doctor who was to be our guide through this horrific new reality. People like to imagine cancer patients as brave fighters, but I know from bitter experience some of them are just as scared and emotionally traumatized as one might imagine them to be. Beth and I spent many tearful nights trying to rationalize the ill fortune that had touched us out of so many billions. We wanted to understand why it was our fate to suffer, but of course there are no good answers to those kind of questions, so over time you learn it’s pointless to dwell on the why, and simply get on with the how.

We tried not to live in the negative, but faced with such uncertainty it is impossible not to explore every outcome. We pictured life without her and as her condition worsened, we discussed the things she wanted of me if she was taken from our family. She was worried about Elliot and wanted my assurance he’d be raised to be a happy, loving, kind, considerate man. She wasn’t concerned with ambition or attainment. For her the only measure of success in life is happiness. She made me promise I’d do my best to make that my priority, and of course I gave my word. It pains me to know I broke that promise, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret my failure. I did the one thing that would guarantee Elliot would never be happy. I left him, and it is my eternal shame that I can’t reach out to him and explain why. I can seek absolution in this book, but he will never read it. You might hate me, you might pity me, but your thoughts amount to nothing when all I want is my son’s forgiveness.

The leadership team at the university were good, and gave me all the time I needed to support Beth. Ben was with us day and night, running errands, looking after Elliot, constantly mothering us as though we were his children. He was without a doubt the best friend we could have had, which is one of the reasons why the truth was so hard to deal with. If he hadn’t lied to us –

I can hardly bring myself to imagine the alternative.

We raised money for a new T-Cell therapy from America, and I’ll never forget the night we held a candlelit vigil outside Longhaven. Hundreds of people came, and most of the university staff, many students, and much of Leek turned out to support us and share what they could afford. I was so emotional I could hardly talk, and Ben had to tell everyone what the night meant to us. He spoke in touching terms about Beth, and I could see the love shining in his eyes. Over the next few weeks, we made the $250,000 target.