‘Dr Asha? Are you OK?’

I looked up to see Angelika Beale, one of Dr Abiola’s PhD students, standing over me.

‘We’ve missed you. I was so sorry to hear about Beth.’

I smiled, but it was largely because I had to do something with my face to avoid crying at her kind words.

‘Thank you,’ I managed.

‘Can I walk in with you?’ she asked.

I hesitated. I looked at the leaves. Maybe there was meaning in them? Maybe I just had to keep going until I hit a wall?

‘Sure,’ I said.

I got to my feet and this relative stranger kept me company as we walked inside. She prattled on about something or other. I wasn’t really listening and I think she knew that. She smiled politely when we parted, and I hurried through the building, eager to avoid other sympathetic people who might tip me over the edge.

Within minutes, I was in my office with the door locked, looking at the daunting pile of paperwork and correspondence on my desk.

The first thing I did was put the framed photograph in my drawer. It was a picture of Beth, Elliot and me outside the cottage, and I simply wasn’t strong enough to face it. Once it was out of sight, I took off my coat, sat in my chair, and tried to figure out where to begin.

Chapter 50

An hour later, there was a knock at my door. I thought about pretending I wasn’t in, but I heard Ben say, ‘David?’

I sighed. ‘Come in.’

The door opened and he entered, somewhat furtively now that I think about it.

‘This doesn’t feel right,’ I remarked, raising my hands in a gesture of surrender. ‘It’s too soon.’

Ben nodded, but didn’t reply. He seemed troubled, and struggled to meet my gaze. If you asked me to describe him now, I’d say he was agitated, and even though the fog of grief coloured my perception, I could sense something was wrong. He was shuffling from one foot to the other and had his eyes fixed firmly on the floor. I’d never seen him like that before.

‘Are you OK?’ I asked.

‘Are you OK?’ he countered. ‘What does that even mean? Am I suicidal? Am I happy? Have I been though a personal hell?’

I thought I knew what he was talking about. ‘It’s not easy for any of us.’

‘No, it’s not,’ he replied coldly.

I couldn’t understand the hostility in his eyes. Not then, anyway.

‘I can’t think of a good way to ask this, so I’m just going to do it.’

He bit his lip and I got the sense he was in tremendous pain. The turmoil seemed to spill from him and fill the room, and for the very first time in all the years I’d known him, I was afraid of what he was going to say next.

‘I . . . I don’t . . .’ he stammered.

He sighed and shook his head in frustration.