“You never asked me—any of that. You just assumed—”

“Did you sleep with her, Alex?”

“I—well, I—”

“How many times did you sleep with her?”

“I…Jesus. I don’t know. Okay? I…It was a couple of times. I just…didn’t. I didn’t think it was important.”

“Not important? You thought this wasn’t important? If I had been riding my best friend for a year wouldn’t you want to know? You lost your virginity to her, didn’t you?” She scoffed. “But it all makes sense, doesn’t it?” She rose from her chair but her gaze was on the floor. “Why she still cares about you. Why she—what was it she said in the changing room? That she fucking hates me. Why nobody was allowed to hurt you. How did I not see that?”

“Julia, come on—I—you’re my girlfriend and I—”

“Tell me the truth, Alex. Tell me what really happened.”

“We…we were just fooling around. She—she said that she wasn’t gay and it was just for fun and that’s all it really was.”

“If that’s all it was then why are you still so caught up on her?”

“I’m not caught up on her,” I choked out, but the words caught in my throat.

“Yes you are! Of course you are. Didn’t you hear me? She’s everywhere! Everywhere I look in this room she’s got herself stamped all over it. Second place to Connie O’Reilly. Is that what I am to you, Alex?”

Suddenly, and without any prompt at all, I thought of Connie, saw her as vividly as though she stood beside me, light-haired, eager-eyed, full of vivacity. Every part of me, almost everything I had ever done, striven after, attained, belonged to Connie, were done because of her. Her smiles, her laughter, her kisses, even though I might never claim them again, would never claim them again. Somewhere deep inside was the knowledge that a part of me would always want to wait for her. Even though I knew to wait would be to wait in vain, Connie was the subconscious factor that influenced everything I did whether I realized it or not. How cruel it was that I could do nothing to shake off the shackles that bound me to her—I wanted to be with Julia. Kind, brave, daring Julia. I wanted to put her behind me; but how could I, when I would be leaving behind the most important part of me?

Julia sighed.

“This isn’t going to work, Alex.”

I swallowed back the lump that had congregated in my throat and lowered my eyes. Whether that was because I wanted to hide whatever lay in their depths from her, or because I needed to hold back the tears that were welling up, I wasn’t sure. “Don’t—come on—”

Her jaw quivered before she clenched her teeth to steady it. ”I don’t want to talk anymore. There’s nothing else I want to know.” I looked up quickly to see if there was a jeer behind her words but there was none.