She was at the gatehouse, and Terry was still up in town meeting a few of the lads, just checking things were running smooth. They weren’t, of course. The trusted old guard were complaining about Harlan’s up-and-coming young bucks, kids with bum fluff on their faces and big attitudes, trying to tell them how to behave. Terry smoothed things over as best he could, but truthfully he felt the same as any of them. Dispossessed. Shoved aside. He didn’t tell Jill about his visit to the church. He couldn’t.

‘Where’s Belle?’ asked Terry.

‘She’s right here. Up at the big house in the outside pool, swimming. You OK?’

‘I’m fine.’ It was a lie, but still. He couldn’t let Jill know that he felt shaky all of a sudden, unsure of the ground beneath his feet, fearful for the future. He was always the strong one, the one who looked after everyone else. He couldn’t be seen to be weak, not ever.

‘I’ll call back later today. And tonight I’ll be home, right?’ he said.

‘Right.’

‘I love you.’

There was a surprised silence. He never said that. Never. It was understood between them; never spoken out loud. ‘I love you too,’ she said softly, but he didn’t hear it.

He’d already hung up.

98

Terry had to meet up with Harlan at the apartment near Tower Bridge. He didn’t like going there. Memories of poor bloody Beezer going over that balcony. Shit, if the poor old cunt felt so bad about his life, why hadn’t he spoken to him or to Charlie? They were his mates. Close as ticks on a cat. If he’d confided in either one of them, they would have taken care of him.

If it really was suicide. But was it?

Terry remembered Charlie at Beezer Crowley’s funeral, crying his fucking eyes out, the soft sentimental sod. But he’d been choked up too. Mates like Beezer passed through but once in anyone’s life, and he was going to miss Beezer’s stupid smutty jokes and his endless good cheer, which as it turned out had maybe been fake anyway, but what the hell. He would miss Beezer every day for the rest of his life. And now, Charlie too.

Christ, we’re all going, one by one.

Maybe it was time to get out now. Just grab Jill, grab Belle, cut and run.