I’m seeing a therapist to talk about

why I can’t seem to let go

of the worries that stress me so much.”

These are the things my father already told me,

but I needed to hear her say them, too.

“I’m taking a medical leave

for the rest of the semester,

and I’m going to have a lighter

teaching load in the spring.

I’m actually relieved now

that I didn’t get the grant.

I can’t keep driving myself

so hard to study every

dying language everywhere.

There are just too many

dying languages.

No one person

can do

everything.”

This Time My Voice Starts Out Small, but Then It Gets Bigger

“Lizard and I

tried to help.

We were really, truly

just trying to help.

We picked a language,

with a red dot

on the dying languages map,

because we thought

it needed help

the most.

And we were so proud

of learning at least

a little bit of it,

and trying to speak it,

not only the two of us,

but we tried to get

Zari and Zoey and Veronica

to speak it at lunch

so they’d be part

of helping to save it, too,

and like Lizard said,

we tried to make a club,

but nobody came.

We tried so hard!

And you thought we were

doing it as a joke!

And that broke Lizard’s heart.”

What I Don’t Go On to Say

And then Lizard broke my heart.

Even though Lizard and I aren’t friends anymore,

and we will never be friends again,

I still don’t want my mother

to think bad things about her.

I think maybe Lizard’s heart

was breaking a little bit all along

because she couldn’t help knowing

that her best friend’s mother hated her.

My Mother and Lizard

“Why do you hate Lizard so much?”

I ask her,

since today seems to be the day

to ask every question

I’ve ever had about everything.

My mother stares at me.

“I don’t hate Lizard!”

“Yes, you do.

You’ve hated her all along.

You know you have!”

“Honey, listen to me.

How could I hate Lizard?

It’s true I haven’t been thrilled

about how much she tries to dictate

everything the two of you do together,

as if her ideas and opinions

are the only ones that matter.

It’s been hard for me to see

how she expects you to follow

her lead, all the time, everywhere.

But that’s hardly the same thing

as hating someone.

Actually,

in many ways,

I admire Lizard

for being so spunky and spirited,

for how willing she is

to be herself,

always.

I truly do.

I just didn’t want her to drain

all the spunk and spirit

out of you.

I didn’t want Lizard

to take up so much space

in your friendship,

with Lizard

being Lizard,

that there wouldn’t be