But still...why did Nina get back in contact with Camilla? What were they trying to hide from me? The answer, when it comes to me, is so bloody obvious, that rather than reveling in my cleverness, I’m annoyed at not having twigged immediately and heartsick at what it means.

Thirteen

My newfound knowledge is eating me up. I want to confront Camilla in person, hear the words from her directly, but I won’t be able to until she’s returned from Canada. Christmas is an effort as exhaustion hits. Feeling utterly disconnected from the rituals, I mentally tick off each one—presents, lunch (even though I have no appetite), crackers, paper hats, the Queen’s speech, drinks with the neighbors, Boxing Day—everything a painfully slow countdown until I can escape the constraints of tradition to give myself space to think clearly, to rewind my memories, to piece it all together with the benefit of fresh knowledge. If my suspicion proves right—which I’m convinced it will—the past takes on a completely different meaning.

I keep busy, distracting myself with to-do lists and outings with the children. I post photos of our woodland walks, museum visits and horse rides on social media under delicately worded captions so they don’t—hopefully—come across as too much.

Ben messages me not long after my latest post.

I know you don’t want to hear it again, especially not from me, but please believe that I did love and care deeply for you. Don’t let Stuart over-rely on you. Help out occasionally, but don’t let him suck you into Nina’s world again. I knew this would happen. You can be a support and a friend without sacrificing your dreams for a family of your own.

I hope you meet someone decent like you deserve. Please don’t think I’m trying to be patronizing, but I couldn’t not say anything.

Unexpected tears form as I unfriend him, but staying in touch—on social media—is clearly not healthy. Ben liked Stuart but felt that he was an opportunist.

“Aren’t we all to varying degrees?” I said at the time, keen to rush to his defense.

“There’s a difference between seizing opportunities and taking advantage,” he replied.

I delete Ben’s message. His supposed care and concern expired the moment he chose to be unfaithful. Quite why he thinks it’s fine to give me advice when he is one of the reasons I’m in this situation, I don’t know.

Yet I can’t deny, his words resonate on some level. I like being needed.

On Stuart’s birthday, the third of January, he is out for most of the afternoon visiting some important client. It’s perfect timing as it gives me and the children a valuable few hours. When he returns, looking tired but no doubt expecting a homemade cake and a few balloons, Goldie (as Felix and Em have renamed her) has taken up residence in her new home.

He is genuinely shocked and keeps asking if “the dog” is really staying?

“It’s a sweet gesture, Marie,” he says when the children are distracted, getting her to chase them around the house. “I know you mean well, but I’m barely managing as it is. I just can’t cope with any more responsibility right now. And you can’t do this, you can’t try to fix us with surprises as a fait accompli. Nina wouldn’t have done something as momentous as adopting a rescue dog without consulting me. I feel hugely manipulated seeing as the children obviously adore her already. It’s not as if you’re going to be around forever.”