Charlie and Stuart are so different. Stuart is a creature of habit; Charlie was a free spirit. Charlie’s funeral was relatively quiet, but a blur. Mainly coworkers and friends attended. Still...Camilla said he had an aunt and a cousin. I wonder why they weren’t at the funeral? Perhaps they were, maybe we didn’t notice. I was so absorbed in myself, I wasn’t thinking clearly. Although he was my first proper love, I realize that I didn’t really know him as well as I thought. He was brought up in care—he said he’d never known his parents. When I pushed, he never gave a proper answer why. It still doesn’t make any difference. He didn’t deserve what Nina and Camilla did.

If I want to know the full story, I have to read Nina’s words over and over until I can piece it all together. She was cautious. The words alone don’t really mean anything without further knowledge, but they’re probably the best version I’ve got until I can prize more out of Camilla. However, I’m not sure I’m quite ready. Forgiveness is a great idea in theory, harder in reality.

For now, I’ll let the sleeping dogs lie very quiet.

The days are long. The nights longer. Stuart and I are forming our own rituals—like right now, I’m drinking a coffee at breakfast to keep him company instead of a tea (just a weak one; every time I eat or drink anything I think of my baby).

“Stuart...” I say.

God, it sounds forced. Nina used to call him honey. It’s too cringey. I must Google terms of endearment and pick out a non-syrupy, natural-sounding one. “Stuart” feels too formal.

Despite hating the words date night for the purpose of this conversation, I can’t think of a better description right now.

“The other night... The bracelet and everything... Well, it was a Tuesday night. It made it feel like it was a,” I say it, “a date night.”

Stuart looks surprised that I’ve even raised the subject. “Well, yes.”

Now I feel stupid. There are only seven days in a week after all, it’s hardly impossible that we go out on a Tuesday.

“Well, it’s just I’d like us to do things differently.”

“Okay. Like what?”

He sips his coffee and acts like he’s interested, but I feel humored. It’s irritating.

“Nothing springs to mind right now, it’s just that it bothered me a bit when I woke up in the night and realized it was a Tuesday date night.”

“Point taken. But it was you who said you wanted to talk. I thought it would be easier on neutral territory. The gift was something I’ve been meaning to give you for ages and then felt appropriate. I could hardly give it to you in the pub after your revelation.”

“Daddy, can you take us to school today, please?” Emily interrupts.

She always interrupts.

I wait, hoping that Stuart will ask her to wait. Of course he doesn’t. He never will, and each time it happens, it reminds me of my place. Once our baby is born, I will feel more secure. It will cement my place in the family.