“I have. I fear I’m only a little the wiser. Another thing I’ve been blaming myself for is that all this time I thought it was me who pursued Stuart. I promised Nina that I’d look out for him and the kids, but also that I’d make sure that any women he formed relationships with were, you know, suitable. I understood that. I mean, you don’t want just anyone around influencing your children, do you? And I let my desperation for a child cloud my judgment, too.”

“Are you saying that you think Stuart took advantage of the situation?”

“In a way. It was mutually beneficial. But Ben was right to be pissed off.” I glance up. “I mean, angry...”

Christian smiles. “You can speak candidly. You’d be surprised what I hear in here. If you’re pissed off, you’re pissed off. That’s okay.”

I grin.

“Ben was right. I did put Stuart ahead of my relationship with him. If he called, I ran. I thought it was a good thing, but now...I’m not sure. He called me once to say that there had been an attempted burglary...yet, I also feel it was just another good enough reason or excuse to get me round. To make me feel like he needed my help. It’s my weakness.”

“Have you spoken to Stuart about how you feel?”

“Kind of.”

Christian waits for me to say more.

“I fear I’ve rocked the boat enough. I have a child on the way, Nina’s children to look out for, financially I’ve been a bit careless, turning down work. I know the worst of his secrets now.”

“Do you?”

“Well, I believe I do.”

“Do you love Stuart?”

“I thought I did. Maybe I even convinced myself I did. Now... Well, I thought I loved someone I didn’t know. I do enjoy his company, he’s an excellent listener, a good father.” I pause. “Whatever way I look at it, I’m embedded in the situation.”

“Not necessarily.”

“There are children involved. They’ve lost their mother and I need to find a way to make the best of the situation. We’ve pooled our resources and I don’t mean financially or practically. I’m talking about emotionally when I factor in Felix and Emily and our baby. Investments of the emotional kind are the most difficult to get out of.”

I want to tell him how I’ve read up on Rebecca syndrome: when the second wife or partner feels they can’t match up to the image of the first. Not in this instance. My situation is completely different. But I don’t get the chance to untangle my thoughts any more.

“We’re running out of time, I’m afraid,” says Christian. “But we can continue this thread in our next session if you’d like to.”

I wasn’t going to tell him how it ends anyway.

Regardless, I leave Christian’s with more questions than answers. On the drive back, memories, good and bad, are dredged up.

At home, I sift through the few photos I have of Charlie. I haven’t looked at them in ages.