Why Balder, do you ask? Some things are just instinctive. It wasn’t that he disliked me – that, after all, was hardly unprecedented. It wasn’t that women adored him, or that men all wanted to be him. It wasn’t even that Balder was handsome, brave, good and true, or that if he as much as farted, birds sang, flowers bloomed and small, furry animals gambolled and frolicked around him in joyous abandon. To tell the truth, I don’t really know why I hated Balder. Perhaps because people liked him so much; perhaps because he’d never had to struggle for acceptance. Face it, the guy was born with a whole set of golden cutlery in his mouth, and if he was good, it was only because he’d never had to be otherwise. And to make matters worse, it was he who first poured me a cup of wine, put a garland on my head, and told me I was welcome.

Welcome. The snivelling hypocrite.

Welcome? Hardly the welcome that Odin had led me to expect. And in spite of Balder’s efforts to make me into one of the boys – to rope me into sporting events, to introduce me to unmarried girls, to generally encourage me to let my hair down and ‘chillax’ – I could tell that most of Asgard still secretly despised me. At last they had a whipping boy; someone to despise, to blame. And blame me they did, for everything.

If Freyja got a spot on her nose, it was always Loki’s fault. If Bragi’s lute was out of tune, if Thor lost one of his gauntlets, if someone farted audibly during one of Odin’s speeches – ten to one I’d get the blame.

All the others had halls of their own. I was stuck in a back-room with no running water, miles away from anywhere, damp and gloomy and in a draught. I had no servants, no fine clothes, no rank. No one offered to show me around. Call me picky if you like, but I’d hoped that Odin’s new brother might have had a more royal treatment.

Still, you’ll notice that history doesn’t reveal what happened to Odin’s other brothers, the legendary Vili and Ve. Probably buried under a patio somewhere, or scattered across the nine Worlds. In any case, there I was, regarded with veiled hostility by most of my new friends – except for the ladies, from whom I received a slightly warmer reception.