And so he gets off at the Lincoln exit in Orange and they drive-thru the Burger King and the Jack’s, stopping briefly to order pay and collect from the little windows on the upper level; then around the bend to the Kraemer exit in Placentia, for Jim’s Big Macs.

“See, look. The Burger King Whopper has indisputably got the best meat. Check it out.”

“Isn’t that some kind of bug there, Tash?”

“No! Let’s look at yours if you dare, you know they make those Big Macs out of petroleum byproducts.”

“They do not! In fact they won the slander case in court on that!”

“Lawyers. Look at that meat, it’s sludge!”

“Well, it’s better than the double Jack Abe’s got, anyway.”

“Sure, but that’s saying nothing.”

“Hey,” says Abe. “The Jack’s are adequate, and look here at the malt and fries you get at Jack’s. Both absolutely unmatchable. Burger King malts are made of air, and McDonald’s malts are made of styrofoam. You only get a real ice-cream malt at Jack’s.”

“Malt? Malt? You don’t even know what malt tastes like! There hasn’t been malt in this country since before the millennium! Those are shakes, and the McShake is just fine. Orange-flavored, even.”

“Come on, Jim, we’re trying to eat here. Don’t make me puke.”

“And the McFries are also the best. Those Jackfries, you could inject drugs with those things.”

“Ho, Mr. Get Tough! Your fries are actually shot puts in disguise! Get serious!”

“I am serious! Here, Sandy, you be judge. Eat this, here.”

“No, Sandy, mine first! Eat this!”

“Mmff mmff mmff.”

“See, he likes mine better!”

“No, he just said Burger Whop, didn’t you hear him?”

Sandy swallows. “They taste the same.”

“What kind of a judge are you?”

Abe says, “Best malt—”

“Shake! Shake! No such thing as malt! Mythical substance!”

“Best malt, best fries, perfectly standard burger.”

“In other words the burger is disgusting,” Tashi says. “There’s no fighting it, the basis of the American body is the hamburger, the rest is just frills. And Burger King has the best burger by miles. And so there you have it.”

“All right,” Sandy says. “Tashi, give me the patty out of yours.”

“What? No way!”