“Of course.” I don’t follow him to the bedroom. I know he’ll return after he showers, emerging clean and, he’ll rationalize, free of sin. We will discuss all of that soon, but not now. I do understand everyone deals with loss in different ways. Children go off to college. It’s hard. Some children go off to college, come home and die in a tragic accident. That’s even worse.

It’s horrible, really. It’s hard to find a way through it all. Some coping methods are socially acceptable. Some are not. I smile, stroke the handle of the knife hidden so close to me. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that can be the most deadly. Mosquitoes kill two million people a year. Tragic deaths, if you think about it. Something so small, so easily killed by a human, but yet a menace. The African Cape buffalo, on the other hand, will actively stalk and attack the hunter who wounded it. Because of this revenge motive, this drive to hurt those who hurt it, the buffalo kills more people in Africa than any other predator. I’ve always liked buffalo.

It’s taking forever for David to return. I fight the urge to sneak some more wine. I need to be in control of this situation just as I’ve been in charge of the family all of these years. It’s a skill, running a household, pushing your children to achieve, keeping your husband happy. I’d give myself an A-at present. There are a few things getting away from me these days. But I’ll sort it out, in time.

David walks into the room and flips on the overhead lights, changing the setting for our talk. I had the lighting the way I wanted it. Dark. I blink.

“What are you doing? Turn the lights down this minute.” I stand up, my hands in fists. The knife slipped between the couch cushions makes me smile. I’m a buffalo in disguise. It’s like method acting, sort of.

Oh, come on, don’t worry about the knife. I need backup, just in case I don’t like how our talk ends. You’d do the same. It’s really just for comfort, balance of power. Men are stronger than women in general. We need to make sure we have the advantage. He’s never hurt me physically, of course, but he’s never bought a house with another woman before, either.

Meanwhile, David glances at me, as if I’m coming on to him, as if I would like him to ravish me right here, on the spot.

I do look lovely this evening, but nothing could be further from the truth. I give him the look. He dims the lights. Sits down on the opposite couch. I sit, too.

Game on.

WEDNESDAY

ONE DAY UNTIL GRADUATION

16

12:27 a.m.

David speaks first. “So, why are you awake? Is something wrong?”