If you have answered (a) to any of these questions, then you are not bright enough to read this book, and we also have another question for you: namely, how come you’re still alive?

56. You will know that you are getting old when you go upstairs to do something and, by the time you get there, you’ve forgotten what it is that you went upstairs to do. You will know that you are very old when you get upstairs and can’t remember where you are. And you will know that you are very, very old when you get upstairs and can’t get downstairs again. You may laugh now, but the old-age bus has a seat for everyone.

57. Eureka, which comes from ancient Greek, means “I have found it,” and is reputed to be what the Greek scholar Archimedes (287–212 B.C.) shouted after he stuck a foot in his bath and noticed that the water level rose. This was because he had realized that the volume of water displaced by his foot was equal to the volume of the foot itself. This meant that, by submerging them in water, the volume of irregularly shaped objects could now be measured, which had been impossible—or very, very difficult—before.

It also enabled Archimedes to solve a problem set for him by King Hiero II, who wanted to know if a gold crown that had been made for him was pure or had been polluted with silver so that the goldsmith could cheat him. Archimedes knew that he could now weigh the crown against a piece of gold of similar weight, and then submerge both in water. If they were of the same density, then they would displace the same amount of water, but if the gold of the crown had been mixed with silver, then it would be less dense and would displace less water, and so the king would know that he had been cheated.

Archimedes was supposed to have been so excited by his discovery that he ran naked through the streets of Athens. You can only get away with this sort of thing if you’re a genius. If you’re not, they’ll lock you up or, at the very least, give you a very stern talking-to. You may also catch cold, or injure yourself on a gate.

XXXIII

In Which Spiggit’s Plays an Important Role

THE VARIOUS DOLLS, TEDDY bears, and small battery-powered animals that had forced Samuel and the others up to the next level of Wreckit & Co. watched in silence as Crudford led Maria and the others into the store. The aftermath of battle was still visible. There were disembodied limbs lying on the floor, and teddy bears with their stuffing hanging out. A makeshift doll hospital had been set up close to the lift, and dolls wearing the uniforms of doctors and nurses were doing their best to reinsert arms and legs, and the occasional head, into the correct sockets. Some of the larger dolls still clutched knives, and a couple of stuffed toys snarled at the new arrivals, but none of the toys made any attempt to attack.