“Really, Earnell? You don’t have any struggles or issues you’re working through? Have you reached enlightenment?”

“I mean,” Earnell responds, “I just try to stay positive about everything. My brother taught me that. He always said, ‘You gotta keep ya head up. Keep lookin’ for the sunshine. It might be hidden behind clouds, but it’s always there.’ So that’s my mantra. That’s what I do. I stay positive.”

“But I mean, it has to get hard sometimes, right? You can’t be positive all the time. Even I know that,” Gabby reflects.

Earnell is very similar to me. For people like us, who have raised ourselves in the lion’s den, it takes a lot to show our true emotions. The first sacrifice in the gladiator’s pit is your feelings. You can’t be soft and survive. I tried to explain that to Jennifer, but I don’t know if she truly understands how our very humanity is sacrificed in the arena. We are warriors, Earnell and I, rarely dropping our shields, until things boil over and we can’t help it, like what happened to me at the cliff. I can tell Earnell is bubbling inside.

“I mean, what choice do I have?” Earnell says finally. “If I stop and think about everything I’m up against, I would never get out of bed. My brother was my hero. And now he’s gone. He was killed by a white cop. We were pulled over. I told him to just hold up his wallet so he knew we didn’t mean any harm. It’s all my fault. I think about him every day. How proud he would be that I’m at Dartmouth. Maybe he would be here also, three years ahead of me. He was really smart too.… It’s all good.” Earnell’s voice starts to crack. He smiles, trying to bury the dragon.

“I know everything happens for a reason. It’s just… I don’t know… I would trade anything to have one more day with him. Anything.” Earnell coughs, acting as if he is clearing his throat, but I know he is really choking back the tears. If they start flowing, they might never stop. I reach over and grab Earnell’s hand.

“It’s not your fault. That’s too heavy a burden to carry, for anyone.” I kiss him on the cheek. I try to give him the tenderness I cannot give myself in such moments. He receives it and then bristles, throwing his shield back up.

“It’s all gonna be fine, guys,” he says half-heartedly. “It’s gonna work out,” he tries to reassure himself. We understand, so we nod and let him have his positivity mantras.